A emotional day

It has been an emotional day.  It started with an urban walk.  It was chilly but the sun came out and it was quite lovely along the river and in the bird sanctuary.  We stopped to view a photography exhibition (Joe's favorite part). I felt quite upbeat and peaceful.
When I got home, I fell in to a blue funk.  I started to think about how blessed my life has been.  We have had a charmed life, and until Lisa died, I felt I was one of the luckiest people in the world.  How quickly things change. 
I feel angry that we can enjoy ourselves as senior citizens and Lisa will never be even 40 (my favourite birthday).  I feel angry that Harvey no longer has the debts and mortgage that Lisa worried so much about - her insurance paid off the mortgage and he is now earning a lot of bonuses.  The unfairness of it all is just crappy.
I am upset because I want to be able to call Lisa like I always did - but I can't.  I am frustrated because when the phone rings, I want it to be Lisa but it isn't.  I am furious.  Cevyn should have her wonderful mother to guide her - but doesn't.  I am sad that Andrew became friends with his sister in the last few years - and now she is gone.
My Sweet Caring Lisa:  You have no idea how much I miss you and long to hear your voice and your infectious laugh.  I miss giving you a hug and telling you I love you and hearing you say "I love you too Mummy". I look forward to the day we meet again so that we can catch up on the gossip and give each other hugs.
I miss you always and love you forever.  Mummy

Replies

Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

I believe we must cycle through all these feelings again and again and again. I understand what you are describing and we continue to move along somehow doing the best that we can. Some days we do okay and other days we just don\'t. It is so good to explore it all as you are my heart is with you as we continue to heal and in that long for those precious children of ours. I\'m sure Lisa will have lots to share when it\'s that time and I\'m hopeful today can be a gentle one for you. With love, Joanie
KandL
KandL

I know Marlene, there is nothing fair or right about Lisa not even reaching 40! And there is nothing fair or right about anything you describe. It is wrong that Lisa isn\'t here and I\'m so very sorry that you have to be in this terrible club of heartbroken moms! Hugging you tight and praying you through the dark days. Love to you and lovely Lisa, Linda.
heartsandhands
heartsandhands

Dear Marlene,
I think this is the essence of grief, the kind that comes from real love. You are saying, in essence, \"It\'s not all about me, it\'s about Lisa\". Right. SHE doesn\'t get the birthdays, the grandbabies, the leaves falling from trees, the hot dinner. You want for your child to have LIFE and it wasn\'t to be. It sucks. It\'s unacceptable. We have to live with it but we\'ll never like it. All our lives, we\'ll be aware of this fundamentally \'wrong\' thing -- that someone is missing who should be here. Even as we try to get used to the fact, it will keep hurting and hitting, right in the heart. Sending love to you and Lisa. From one mummy-heart to another.
xoxoxo Sarah
mummar
mummar

You are right in how quickly things change - how much we probably took for granted not knowing what was ahead. It\'s amazing how your whole life can just turn upside down in a day, a moment......amazing may be the wrong word, here....I\'m so sorry this ended up being a dark day for you. Hugs to you and you lovely Lisa and hope for a better day tomorrow ~ Joanna
biowoman
biowoman

I know you miss her...I am sorry it was a hard day...some days we just need to feel it. Love and gentle hugs...Karen