A dog with no name

 I don't know what caused me to act so horrible. Why I say terrible things or why I constantly have to degrade myself for humor. 

I guess I'm hurt. Maybe a little crazy. Or just sleep-deprived. 

Whatever it may be - I find myself retreating deeper and deeper within myself. To no avail, there is nothing. 

I get flashbacks. To a time that seems like a nightmare or even a scene in a particularly violent movie, I can't distinguish which but it all shows me in the role of the victim and he in the role of the rapist. 

When I get these flashbacks I often 'blackout' meaning I go into a dark hole within my heart and stew for a few days without talking, smiling, or eating. I fall into my bed only to cry for no reason, to reach out and to touch the freezing walls of my room and to see that I am still trapped.

 I feel like my heart breaks slowly, for no reason. Small things take their toll on me and soon I'm reduced to nothing but a fatigued skeleton of myself who's voice has become nothing but a faint whisper. 

 As I'm writing this, I feel the tears prickle in my eyes, and yet they don't come out and my heart breaks a little bit more for everyone, I wish I could show them how much I loved them. 

 I feel my heart burn. My smile has become unusable. Like Winston Churchill, the black dog is always near me, I can feel him sitting by my side and I hear his awful soul-crushing bark that lulls me into a darker place where I can't cry or ask for help.

 I see him around school. He knows what he did. What he took from me. Why I am walking death. I found myself for a time wandering the school in a daze. Faces melded together, voices were silent, the cold from my heart slowly made it pound through my chest and I fell. I couldn't move for a moment and the world became black. I woke up, standing before the parking lot and thinking I should jump at any speeding car. Ending everything. 

 I still find myself in a daze, when I see people whisper or laugh, it only reminds me of how I cannot laugh like they do, whisper idiot lies about people or even feel complete and total trust for everyone I love. I only wish people knew how much good in the world can be erased by the small acts of hatred, violence, and rudeness. I honestly don't know anymore If I am even alive, maybe I died and went to Hell. Or I'm being sentanced to listen to the dog with no name, bark insensitively at me and force me deeper into the black hole in my heart.