A Day That Showed Progress
Dear Fred:
Today has been a day that even surprised myself. Since I tell you all the sad news and hurts I now finally have a little good news to share. There will be other days not this good but I wanted to record this one so I would remember it.
Today I started what I call my "Daily Book". Unlike you, Fred, this is not a regular diary. I just write down the things I did during the day. I make list of things I SHOULD DO during the day but I don't always get them done. The very next day I have a hard time recalling what, if anything, I did or accomplished the day before. It has left me feeling quite useless and defeated. I know I am now longer just sitting trying to absorb the meaning of Nick's death. I know I no longer play computer games 8 or 10 hours a day just to blank out my hurt. So, what DO I actually do?? Since I cannot recall correctly (widows brain is still hanging on) I started The Daily Book. I was surprised at the number of items I had written down by evening time. I compared this to the "To Do"list. Some of the things I did were on it but some of them were not but they were things I actually needed to do. It gave me a feeling of accomplishment. Before bed I add 3 good things about the day. This has really helped me today and I hope I will continue this practice.
The back yard has been a place of great sorrow for me since Nick died. Every time I look at it even briefly I can mentally see Nick out there working in his veggie garden. How he loved the carrots, tomatoes, onions and lettuce he planted each year. I can remember how much time we spent together in the back yard and I just miss him so much I can hardly stand it.
I thought I was never going to be able to spend any time in the back yard at all. This includes taking care of it. It is a HUGE mess as I never did anything out there lat year. My back flower bed is 100% weeds and grasses. The garden spot is a carpet of weeds. I surprised myself today by being able to go out there all by my little old self and spraying ALL of those weeds. I was able to do this without breaking down. True, I did feel sadness and loneliness, and I still do tonight... quite keenly. However, the point is, is that I actually was able to spend several hours in the back yard doing what needed to be done. Now that I have done that I feel a great sense of accomplishment along with the sadness. I also know that I CAN finally take care of the back yard.
I am very grateful for this breakthrough. It gives me hope that in more time and with continued effort I will see breakthroughs in other areas as well. I love Nick and miss him nearly every hour of every day but there is healing going on inside of me somewhere. And, that gives me a little peace and also hope.
I am worn to a frazzle after all of that. It was actually long hard work but I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time (In spite of muscles that are starting to complain about misuse.) I am off to bed for a warm tubby and an early night.
Thank you, Fred, for listening to me. It was nice to finally have something pretty positive to tell you. Good night.
Darlene May 15,2012
Today has been a day that even surprised myself. Since I tell you all the sad news and hurts I now finally have a little good news to share. There will be other days not this good but I wanted to record this one so I would remember it.
Today I started what I call my "Daily Book". Unlike you, Fred, this is not a regular diary. I just write down the things I did during the day. I make list of things I SHOULD DO during the day but I don't always get them done. The very next day I have a hard time recalling what, if anything, I did or accomplished the day before. It has left me feeling quite useless and defeated. I know I am now longer just sitting trying to absorb the meaning of Nick's death. I know I no longer play computer games 8 or 10 hours a day just to blank out my hurt. So, what DO I actually do?? Since I cannot recall correctly (widows brain is still hanging on) I started The Daily Book. I was surprised at the number of items I had written down by evening time. I compared this to the "To Do"list. Some of the things I did were on it but some of them were not but they were things I actually needed to do. It gave me a feeling of accomplishment. Before bed I add 3 good things about the day. This has really helped me today and I hope I will continue this practice.
The back yard has been a place of great sorrow for me since Nick died. Every time I look at it even briefly I can mentally see Nick out there working in his veggie garden. How he loved the carrots, tomatoes, onions and lettuce he planted each year. I can remember how much time we spent together in the back yard and I just miss him so much I can hardly stand it.
I thought I was never going to be able to spend any time in the back yard at all. This includes taking care of it. It is a HUGE mess as I never did anything out there lat year. My back flower bed is 100% weeds and grasses. The garden spot is a carpet of weeds. I surprised myself today by being able to go out there all by my little old self and spraying ALL of those weeds. I was able to do this without breaking down. True, I did feel sadness and loneliness, and I still do tonight... quite keenly. However, the point is, is that I actually was able to spend several hours in the back yard doing what needed to be done. Now that I have done that I feel a great sense of accomplishment along with the sadness. I also know that I CAN finally take care of the back yard.
I am very grateful for this breakthrough. It gives me hope that in more time and with continued effort I will see breakthroughs in other areas as well. I love Nick and miss him nearly every hour of every day but there is healing going on inside of me somewhere. And, that gives me a little peace and also hope.
I am worn to a frazzle after all of that. It was actually long hard work but I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time (In spite of muscles that are starting to complain about misuse.) I am off to bed for a warm tubby and an early night.
Thank you, Fred, for listening to me. It was nice to finally have something pretty positive to tell you. Good night.
Darlene May 15,2012
Replies
....gardening is about so much...life, death, cycles, patience, joy, mystery, wonder.....
as the weeds are banished, may --in there place --come flowers of delight ......
hugs
Watch out for the Hobo Spiders and lizards.
Darlene I am glad you feel a break through. Like you my yard went untouched last year. My husband loved working out there and it was just too hard for me to go out there. I also decided to tackle my yard this year. I believe our boys are looking down with smiles that their yards will again be spots of beauty.
Darlene,
As much as this was beyond hard to accomplish...YOU DID IT.!!! YOU are AMAZING !!! You have to be in awe of the strength we have when we think we have none at all! You have taken such a big step into LIVING and I stand as an admirer of you!! yo7u KNOW that NICK is doing his happy dance FOR YOU!!! As am I!!
Way to go girl....keep it up!!!!!!!!!! LOVE TO YOU diane
Darlene, your journal is very inspirational to us all. So glad for your breakthrough. It is very encouraging. Hugs, Anne
Darlene, that is a HUGE step that you tackled and YOU DID IT!!! Good for you!! Know that NICK is watching over you with PRIDE as you worked in your back yard. Yes, these times are bittersweet and very hard the first time we do accomplish something that we used to do with them but my hopes are that they will get easier each time. I am so glad that you felt a sense of great accomplishment afterwards and it is so well deserved. Your muscles may not think that way.....Lol but they too will heal.
Keep up the \"what did I do\" list as it seems to be working for you and know that you are accomplishing things...........sending many hugs (((HUGS))
Darlene I loved your journal....it made me smile.....be proud of yourself, I know Nick is so proud of you, Hugs Lu Ann
Darlene, What a wonderful accomplishment and healing steps you have taken. I have found healing times out in my yard last summer and this spring. Stan was mainly the yard guy, but I have taken this on as a labor of love and communing with Stan, an honoring of him. The times I am out in the yard, working on it, sometimes very hard, but it does nourish my spirit and is a way to show my love.
Hugs to you and great job, Sallie