A Day That Backfired
Dear Fred:
In 1 1/2 hour it would have been the 24th wedding anniversary for Nick & me. This is the 2nd wedding anniversary without him and it is actually much more painful than the first one was. Last year at this time I had been a widow less than 6 months. I was still partially protected by being numb My friends were trying hard to help me through all of my "firsts". I was determined to be brave.
Now, I find no one remembers it would have been our anniversary. When I have mentioned it briefly to 1 or 2 people it was quickly brushed aside. After all, this is the SECOND anniversary without him. I know they didn't mean to be insensitive. They just have never lot a spouse to death and therefore simply do not understand.
This time I am no longer as numb as I was and I find I am a good deal more emotionally tired. It seems I have tried so hard for so long to find a new way of living and I am just worn out. On the surface I look like I am doing great. I get out of the house, take short trips with my female buddies, have started attending church with another widow friend, have signed up for classes at our local Tech school and am looking in to joining Civitans. When I go out in public I put on clean good clothing, brush my hair, teeth, put on my make up, my sense of humor and my fake "all is great" smile. Everyone says how great I look, how good I am doing and how proud they are of me. If they only knew.
Tonight I was determined not to let this 24th wedding anniversary get me down. Nope! The Grief Monster was definitely not invited here tonight. I went to the shops got me my favorite fried chicken, a salad and even a "single serving" of Red Velvet Cake. I got home turned on TV, ate, played computer games checked out DS, played a little with the kitty cats and then got ready for a nice soak in the tub with some music and a cold drink. (Actually it was a cup of ice chips. Maybe that's where I went wrong.)
As I listened to the music and remembered some of the wonderful things Nick & I were able to do I suddenly was overcome by such deep hurt and loneliness. The Grief Monster may not have been invited but he certainly ambushed me. All of my resolve regarding this anniversary has vanished and I just ache inside. I know I am not the only person to experience this terrible pain. Somehow that knowledge and understanding doesn't make it hurt any less even though it does give you a better prospective.
I had hoped writing about this in my journal would ease the pain. So far it has not. Anyway, Fred, thank you for listening.
Nick, wherever you are, I miss you. I miss your jokes, your quick wit, your kindness of spirit, the bedtime stories you read to me, our Wednesday & Friday nights at Marcellar's, our hiking trips through red rock country, our Sunday afternoon's at Texas Roadhouse, the picnics we had be the river, your keen mind and,yes, even your stubbornness and arrogance. I miss all of you Nick,,, the good and the bad. It is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.... learning to live without you. I am grateful for the 22 1/2 years we had together. But, I am so lost knowing that has come to an end.
Darlene Sept 7, 2012
In 1 1/2 hour it would have been the 24th wedding anniversary for Nick & me. This is the 2nd wedding anniversary without him and it is actually much more painful than the first one was. Last year at this time I had been a widow less than 6 months. I was still partially protected by being numb My friends were trying hard to help me through all of my "firsts". I was determined to be brave.
Now, I find no one remembers it would have been our anniversary. When I have mentioned it briefly to 1 or 2 people it was quickly brushed aside. After all, this is the SECOND anniversary without him. I know they didn't mean to be insensitive. They just have never lot a spouse to death and therefore simply do not understand.
This time I am no longer as numb as I was and I find I am a good deal more emotionally tired. It seems I have tried so hard for so long to find a new way of living and I am just worn out. On the surface I look like I am doing great. I get out of the house, take short trips with my female buddies, have started attending church with another widow friend, have signed up for classes at our local Tech school and am looking in to joining Civitans. When I go out in public I put on clean good clothing, brush my hair, teeth, put on my make up, my sense of humor and my fake "all is great" smile. Everyone says how great I look, how good I am doing and how proud they are of me. If they only knew.
Tonight I was determined not to let this 24th wedding anniversary get me down. Nope! The Grief Monster was definitely not invited here tonight. I went to the shops got me my favorite fried chicken, a salad and even a "single serving" of Red Velvet Cake. I got home turned on TV, ate, played computer games checked out DS, played a little with the kitty cats and then got ready for a nice soak in the tub with some music and a cold drink. (Actually it was a cup of ice chips. Maybe that's where I went wrong.)
As I listened to the music and remembered some of the wonderful things Nick & I were able to do I suddenly was overcome by such deep hurt and loneliness. The Grief Monster may not have been invited but he certainly ambushed me. All of my resolve regarding this anniversary has vanished and I just ache inside. I know I am not the only person to experience this terrible pain. Somehow that knowledge and understanding doesn't make it hurt any less even though it does give you a better prospective.
I had hoped writing about this in my journal would ease the pain. So far it has not. Anyway, Fred, thank you for listening.
Nick, wherever you are, I miss you. I miss your jokes, your quick wit, your kindness of spirit, the bedtime stories you read to me, our Wednesday & Friday nights at Marcellar's, our hiking trips through red rock country, our Sunday afternoon's at Texas Roadhouse, the picnics we had be the river, your keen mind and,yes, even your stubbornness and arrogance. I miss all of you Nick,,, the good and the bad. It is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.... learning to live without you. I am grateful for the 22 1/2 years we had together. But, I am so lost knowing that has come to an end.
Darlene Sept 7, 2012
Replies
Happy Anniversary. I know happy isn\'t the right word, sorry. I hate when the grief monster interrupts our plans. You are in my thoughts. Marilyn
\"I have tried so hard for so long to find a new way of living and I am just worn out. \" I understand how much work this is. Every day! It is about finding a new way of living. Sometimes our bodies can do it and our hearts and minds lag so far behind. I\'m hoping to get better at it, but am beginning to see that it will be a long journey (at 8 months). Thank God we have friends here who understand. Peace to your day. Darleen
Darlene, anniversaries are really hard to go through because we can\'t avoid the memories of much happier times. Nostalgia sets in and before you know it you are having a complete melt down. Unfortunately, there is nothing to do except feel the pain and process it out. In time, the memories will become less painful but I really believe that it takes more than 2 years to have the strength to face reality for what it is and accept it. We know we are making progress because the melt downs are not frequent but not totally unexpected as time is moving slower for us than those around us. We look and act normal but when we are alone and sad we are the only ones who know how much more healing needs to take place. It\'s tiring to have to remind ourselves to patient but that\'s what we have to do -- give time some time -- hard to do, I know! Hang in there, every day that passes gets us closer to a better emotional place. Sending light and hugs! Connie
tHE ANNIVERSARY OF so much promise JUST SEEMS TO LET THAT grief monster sneak in even when un invited. My second, was like my first. I do not think that ever changes dear friend. You know tho? I think it is mostly that we are the ones who ALWAYS remember them. The people in our lives as much as they are there for us? Just plain do not hold these dates to the same level that we do, and they can\'t. This did not happen to them...IT DID TO US. WE live with it day in and day out. WE struggle to find our way after the single worst thing to ever happen to us. WE go about our days trying, ever trying to bring the smiles back through a time when the smiles are hard to find.
When you think about it? Really think about it? WE are amazing people. BECAUSE WE WERE LOVED. And my dear friend...YOU WERE SO LOVED, and always will be.
For you...your strength is BECAUSE you were LOVED.. Happy anniversary Darlene. He may not be there, but through the meories? He ALWAYS will be. Celebrate what was...because it happened! LOVE Diane
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_r8pDziQKE
It is as you said----the \"second\'s\" can often be ignored by those that haven\'t experienced the death of their spouse. Someone said to me that---you made it through all the first\'s----I said, yes I did and the second\'s aren\'t much fun either. It\'s all perspective and perception. I grief privately most of the time now or talk to trusted friends. With understanding and caring, Sallie
Darlene, Just catching up since my return and sorry that I missed your anniversary. I believe it will be very hard for many years to come, for all of us that are on this road, we DO UNDERSTAND......
You express your feelings so well and as I am reading this, I am saying to myself....EXACTLY how I feel...
I think this is why the bond we all have is so great.....we are the only ones that understand what is going on inside of us and not just as we appear on the outside.....
I hope you are having some better days and look forward to spending some time with you in the future.....love and hugs Shirley