a day in the life of mark
Today the health promoting conversation in my mind was based on what I learned last night and this morning.
I have the talk every day, a lot, and I write about it
as you know and today the thoughts went along these lines:
I was feeling insecure, (insecure, needy and blockheaded) when I got down to church - it was very hot here already -
and I had done a good deal of chores first before going down to service - perhaps that
helped plummet my stability. I saw a nun and she seemed off put by seeing me - and that's just the way
I interpreted it. The basic direction of my mood followed that assumption. I went to the cafeteria for a morning
meal and then did another chore. Then I sat on the porch and a sister came to talk to me about a text I sent her.
For some reason I sent it to her - it was maybe a dumb move to ask for something from someone I know is not inclined
to talk about things like what I wrote..and.....She's really impressive - an MIT scientist and has so much industry about what she
does here at the monastery - yet we talked and I found her trying to talk to me and I to her so boring for some reason.
I felt bad. She's nice and smart yet I needed something that I wasn't getting - I felt bad for finding her boring.
I felt like 'why do I have to be this person?' - But I accepted it - and I also remembered somehow that all the
'craziness in my life is beautiful' - keep taking care - of - 'my quirky life of Mark! 'I drove to my appointment and had it the appointment - and I recognized
being alone with my thoughts had made me start to get sad and depressed. I realized I was not having the feedback in my life that I needed to feel reassured and positive - and not so lowly - though I could get the work done and I did - I knew that I had no one to turn to - it seemed wrong to ask someone to be my big shoulder to cry on.
I thought "IF I JUST COULD FEEL SOME VIRTUE and DIGNITY about my day" and that thought set to put
things in order- I knew I needed to engender that life within - and also very importantly
that . "IT's NOT JUST DIGNITY FOR ME ECLIPSING OTHERS'S DIGNITY and thus "LIVING IN MY OWN WORLD"
but awareness
but awareness
that I am self responsible, surviving and taking care of life. That slings and arrows will come, but the
self definition is important to have with the recognition of what it is- the dynamic at hand at being myself and also
dealing with people -I am carrying my own responsibilities and life
along - and so are each sister and person out there. A little dignity for myself - not at the expense of others -
and the consideration of the dignity of others - not at the expense of me.
I think that might be what was demanded from me growing up - but now
I think I have 'seen the light.' I gotta get down to church - have a great day!
Replies
Here's to general conversation - sometimes, it doesn't have the 'feeling' we hope for, however, the words still are spoken. Have a great day!
Thanks so much Mid!!
Sorry that you were struggling some today but even during those rough days you 'keep on keeping on' and that isn't easy my friend
Kudos to you for your courage and resiliance to continue to work through those hard moment's in life
Big squishy hug Marky....xo
thanks Janet! I so appreciate you.!!!!! <3<3
You seem to be getting more and more positive every day just from being more aware. It's helping you to grow and it's a pleasure watching you navigate the pitfalls of conversation. Thankyou for giving us all a glimpse of what life is like inside the monastery....hugs
Thanks Bob!!!