This journal is a challenge to myself. I walked away from it earlier when first throwing that gauntlet
down...but then later the truths and thoughts came to me...and so I returned to writing it.
'A day at work' I know I can handle now - I do the work - I have my routine - have it structured -
I do my best..and I socialize with my coworkers -
These thoughts all kind of mixed around today, I am trying to write what I am thinking about and I am setting this journal
entry as a challenge to write it out and get it done.
After last night's journal entry, of living alone or with living with god, I find myself questioning and questioning.
How things are for anyone while they are alone for the weekend and not working??.. Just thinking about
a life 'living with god' sort of makes me start to give myself some formula but then I stray into areas of living with godly things in my life...I can go to extreme... hehe
But bringing myself back to earth about living here and now... about living day to day... while I am alone,
I see that I still have to live life as 'how things might be or are for me' and yet 'still be self responsible.'
Rather than go for the generic course, that formula that I mentioned, of the gathering of trappings of a life - I think it's good that know that I need to develop
a life and curriculum - as well as examine what I want and that which is good for me (as things are for me and my nature)
.... that also would take me to a place I would want to go.... Maybe that's kind of extreme (I'm getting into the weeds here)
But, suffice it to say, my weaknesses inspire such anxiety and reaction at times that I kind of examine things
to the hilt. Maybe appreciating that I can't always be strong in myself- and that those moments of weakness exist - that observation too would help
me put in some guiders for my life...
So.. How it usually goes for me for some reason when I am on my own - I tend to try and live
in my truth and I can get so lost in the peace of solitude and a sense of grace
as though the world is my world
rather than relating to it as a world of others' standards, others' abilities and personal traits
and so on. I think what I am learning here is knowing my own traits and not just the ideal ones.
Make sense??
I am grateful for my life, I think I am on a good track of living
a life that is right for my temperament and yet also self responsible..
keep on keeping on!
Replies
markus questionarius questioning? ? ? it must be a day that ends in "y"
but, yes, grasshopper, you are making sense. your wise, all-knowing sensei even sees the sense of making progress.
perhaps the weirdest weird of my weirdo life is that i have lived in a wide range of living conditions, from my childhood crammed in the back of a station wagon with 10 siblings, to the first bed of my very own with 299 roommates (boot camp) to the total isolation of psychotic wilderness living. whatever conditions i find myself living in, my challenges to being self-responsible remain remarkably consistent. is my give-a-damn busted today, or do i get up and do what needs doing?
personally, i think ideals are human constructs. "ideal" is a matter of opinion. to live by ideals is to live by opinion.
the world (including me) is as it is and not as i would have it.
thanks Arfie! (hug!)