A Core Issue Self-Expressed This Morning!
"I feel I can never do anything worthwhile enough for anyone that is worth being paid, in money or appreciation." -
That is the feeling/thought I received this morning, and it appears to be the/a/one previously unconscious issue that I have been unwilling to express about myself.
That "feeling" sets me up for my relationship game, my codependent game, that I play with myself and try to get others to play with me. It is a codependent game involving an immutable truth that I made up. It is MY opinion, MY PROBLEM, that I am, have been, trying all my life to get someone, or everyone, to solve FOR me, as I refuse to solve myself. NO ONE can solve my problem belief as long as 1) I don't "see" it, and 2) I refuse to solve it MYSELF!
It is MY responsibility to solve that belief-problem, and I need to stop expecting or blaming everyone else for not helping me solve it while I refuse to solve it myself.
It is "I" who choose to believe I cannot please anyone else enough, and NOT THEM! If I can't please "anyone else, that would be THEIR problem, wouldn't it?! If THEY refused to feel pleased, how will I, or WHY would I, ever solve THEIR chosen feeling?
Does this make sense, emotionally? It does feel like a breakthrough for me, this morning,...so why am I asking you? Other than me feeling good about sharing MY insight as away who feel like I do get better?
Love, Hugszzz, & Kisses.
Rich
That is the feeling/thought I received this morning, and it appears to be the/a/one previously unconscious issue that I have been unwilling to express about myself.
That "feeling" sets me up for my relationship game, my codependent game, that I play with myself and try to get others to play with me. It is a codependent game involving an immutable truth that I made up. It is MY opinion, MY PROBLEM, that I am, have been, trying all my life to get someone, or everyone, to solve FOR me, as I refuse to solve myself. NO ONE can solve my problem belief as long as 1) I don't "see" it, and 2) I refuse to solve it MYSELF!
It is MY responsibility to solve that belief-problem, and I need to stop expecting or blaming everyone else for not helping me solve it while I refuse to solve it myself.
It is "I" who choose to believe I cannot please anyone else enough, and NOT THEM! If I can't please "anyone else, that would be THEIR problem, wouldn't it?! If THEY refused to feel pleased, how will I, or WHY would I, ever solve THEIR chosen feeling?
Does this make sense, emotionally? It does feel like a breakthrough for me, this morning,...so why am I asking you? Other than me feeling good about sharing MY insight as away who feel like I do get better?
Love, Hugszzz, & Kisses.
Rich
Replies
YOU:
YOU: \"I feel I can never do anything worthwhile enough for anyone that is worth being paid, in money or appreciation.\" -
That is the feeling/thought I received this morning, and it appears to be the/a/one previously unconscious issue that I have been unwilling to express about myself.
I\'m not sure I get this, but what you just expressed is a thought to me. I would have to ask \'myself\' in a situation as such, what are the \'feelings\' attached to this thought. Unworthy, useless, not good enough, undeserving, etc? And, where and when did this belief start? Have a happy Saturday. Hugszzz to you!
weird but I understand this at some level.Quite some time ago I was talking with a friend of mine about not feeling good enough and finding it hard to be open with people because I feared rejection because I wasn\'t good enough. This affected what I would charge people for jobs I did (good deal for them tho) I find/found that the more open I was with others (risky for me) the more i charged for jobs. As my daughter said about this..have you been open and if so did anyone reject you....no they didn\'t. Helped me. don\'t know if this helps at all for you. I agree with vicky...check the feelings
hugs
rick
I read both of your comments hours ago and decided not to give a knee -jerk answer right away. It is about \"feeling not enough\", like both of you notice. Where I got it may have come in an odd behavior I used to have when I was young. I remember when my parents would socialize, I would stay with the adults to listen to their talks, and maybe ask questions; where my questions and \"insights\" were disregarded for not having \"enough\" understanding.
On the other hand, that may be \"explaining\" or \"blaming\". The truth of what I was feeling this morning was shame, sadness, hopelessness, and helplessness. Shy, weak, stupid, ignorant, lacking. Evidently, I do not value what I \"do\" enough. Maybe it\'s guilt, that what I do seems so simple to me that I don\'t value it. Maybe I don\'t feel important, or at least important enough. I deny the compliments I get from clients, and complain instead about failing to get all the paperwork done, as though there\'s something wrong with me again. I\'m too slow, I miss things, I\'m not helping enough. To brag is to be punished, so I must constantly be aware of being \"too big for my britches\". Like I am to be of minimum success, in order to protect others \"lesser feelings\". Is THAT what this is? That I \"must protect others\' feelings from comparing themselves to me, and feeling hurt or jealous\"? Isn\'t that codependency? Was I taught to accept the blame of others?
Good question, Vicki; but where did I learn it? How, When, & Where? It doesn\'t seem like just knowing I\'m doing it is enough! But then, \"I am hurting others! How can I do that to them?! In fact, it\'s impossible for me to control how anyone thinks and feels about themselves by watching me, isn\'t it? Is that why I always want people around me be happy and content? Because if anyone around me feels bad, \"it MUST be MY FAULT?!\" Where did I learn that extreme self-centers responsibility? It blocks my ability to think! I was lied to! I was convjned to believe a impossibility.
I\'ll pick this up later.
Your middle paragraph, could be my words....I can\'t seem to validate myself....but I\'m working on it.....
\"If it\'s too easy it doesn\'t count\", it\'s like the attribution that \"you must work hard and suffer to have anything or be worth anything\". I need to break that belief, it\'s false. \"If it feels good, it must be bad or done wrong, or undeserved\". \"I must deserve everything I get from others, gifts are only a reward, nothing is free\".
I\'ll keep feeling the guilt feelings until I accept how false they are. I\'m waiting for the connection to a place and time where I learned these self-defeating ideas that keep me from enjoying myself.
I feel scared. That is the feeling I am trying to avoid talking about, openly.
And I feel ashamed for being afraid.
I don\'t \"get it\" yet, I\'m just getting used to admitting my feelings to myself, in print. I\'m not supposed to talk about how I really feel.
fear seems to be underneath most things...it is for me
What I commented in Rosie\'s journal applies here: \"What I learned yesterday is that the fear we often have is of humiliation, humiliation over feeling powerless, and the need to ask for help. It\'s a part of our childhood scripts and interjections for growing up, maybe when we didn\'t get enough nurturing and guidance.\"
I \'think\' I was expected to do it all, face my fears, without help; and felt ashamed for failing to do so. I\'m a work in progress...
Me too....
Aren\'t we all! I think you both have grown tremendously over this past years. As I reflect on my journey, I have had a lot of growth over this past year also; I do not want to forget how far I have come and I hope you don\'t forget how are you both have come.! It took me forever to ask in help as asking for help was very shame based! Hugszzzz
*for help
I totally and completely get it Rich. It really is all about \'you\'. Completely. I find that over and over again I keep coming back to this realization. And over and over again I have to choose THIS versus getting carried away with the stories I tell myself. It is a choice that I must make every day.