A "Certain Age"
Well, for starters, my priorities have drastically changed since I lost Cassi. Of course. But it seems like a lot of things are hitting me all at once, things I never really expected to happen to me...don't know why, but I never thought I would be "middle-aged". I am not even sure if that is the right term, because I will be 45 in 2 weeks and "middle" would imply that I will live to age 90...and, Oh God...please no.
I always thought I was the "cool" Mom and that I would be the "cool" grandmom and that would keep me young. I spent a lot of time with Cassi's friends and that kept me feeling young...and they liked me...even when Cassi was rolling her eyes at everything I had to say, not wanting to be seen with me in public, etc... ouch, it hurts to remember that.
So now...this is where I am. My mother is elderly and frail. She used to be 5'5" and is no barely over 5' tall. She has terrible arthritis and we found out today she has a stress fracture in her foot and will have to wear a "boot" for several weeks and hope for the best. She has a wonderful husband, but I am having to step in more and more to help with appointments, etc. She was always so independent, it can't be easy for her either.
Because of my diet of peanut butter and ice cream, exclusively (I'm not kidding) for several months after losing Cassi I put on a lot of weight. I am trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps. There is so much in my life I can't control, but extra weight makes me feel miserable and it IS something I can control (or once could). I have been on a strict 1200 calorie a day diet for a little over 3 months and I have lost 12 pounds, and I have been very strict about it with very few slip-ups. I used to be able to lose 20 pounds a month with little effort.
I have been near-sighted since my early 20's. I wear glasses and contacts. I didn't really understand how it would work but this is what I expected. I couldn't see distance well, so I thought if, with age, I ever became far-sighted, it would sort of even itself out...uhm, no. I haven't admitted it to anyone yet, you ladies are the first...now I can't see the leaves on the trees without corrective lenses...and now, in small print, it's all blurry...until I move it back away from my face and the letters become clear. So I guess it is time for bi-focals. I don't know what the heck I will do when I want to wear my contacts, unless carry around those "reading glasses"...I don't think they make bi-focal contacts.
I don't think I have any symptoms of menopause yet. Unless having periods closer together means something...it's like every 3, 3 1/2 weeks. I sweat a lot and am sensitive to heat, but I have been my whole life, so I don't think it's hot flashes yet. I HATE the heat and humidity...and have lived my entire life in Florida...don't like the sun either. My eyes are sensitive and I quint so hard I get headaches, even with sunglasses. I want to live in Alaska.
There are so many other issues...and it sucks. I didn't give a damn about getting older as long as I got to be the cool grandma and spoil my grandchildren...now I don't have that in my future.
Growing old alone is a scary thought. My husband is older than me...my whole family I am still in contact with are older than me. I thought I would have Cassi and her child/children to follow around the rest of my life. All of these things I am writing about are simply shallow reminders of what may be to come. I am getting older, my family older than me...I warn them they better not leave me here all alone, but really, what can I do about it??? What can they do about it??? Doesn't really make sense, but I have told my husband I would kill him if he died before me...the minute the words came out of my mouth, it was like..."Oh...really...I guess I told him how it's gonna be" Sigh
Gosh...this whole journal has been me borrowing trouble again...When will I ever learn???? One day at a time Gina!!! I'm just tired...spent the day with my poor frail mother and feel so inadequate to help her...yet she has so much more than me, in terms of elderly care.
I guess these are the things that sneak up on you after the first year is over...that first year was just pain and survival...now all these other worries are tapping me on the shoulder.
I always thought I was the "cool" Mom and that I would be the "cool" grandmom and that would keep me young. I spent a lot of time with Cassi's friends and that kept me feeling young...and they liked me...even when Cassi was rolling her eyes at everything I had to say, not wanting to be seen with me in public, etc... ouch, it hurts to remember that.
So now...this is where I am. My mother is elderly and frail. She used to be 5'5" and is no barely over 5' tall. She has terrible arthritis and we found out today she has a stress fracture in her foot and will have to wear a "boot" for several weeks and hope for the best. She has a wonderful husband, but I am having to step in more and more to help with appointments, etc. She was always so independent, it can't be easy for her either.
Because of my diet of peanut butter and ice cream, exclusively (I'm not kidding) for several months after losing Cassi I put on a lot of weight. I am trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps. There is so much in my life I can't control, but extra weight makes me feel miserable and it IS something I can control (or once could). I have been on a strict 1200 calorie a day diet for a little over 3 months and I have lost 12 pounds, and I have been very strict about it with very few slip-ups. I used to be able to lose 20 pounds a month with little effort.
I have been near-sighted since my early 20's. I wear glasses and contacts. I didn't really understand how it would work but this is what I expected. I couldn't see distance well, so I thought if, with age, I ever became far-sighted, it would sort of even itself out...uhm, no. I haven't admitted it to anyone yet, you ladies are the first...now I can't see the leaves on the trees without corrective lenses...and now, in small print, it's all blurry...until I move it back away from my face and the letters become clear. So I guess it is time for bi-focals. I don't know what the heck I will do when I want to wear my contacts, unless carry around those "reading glasses"...I don't think they make bi-focal contacts.
I don't think I have any symptoms of menopause yet. Unless having periods closer together means something...it's like every 3, 3 1/2 weeks. I sweat a lot and am sensitive to heat, but I have been my whole life, so I don't think it's hot flashes yet. I HATE the heat and humidity...and have lived my entire life in Florida...don't like the sun either. My eyes are sensitive and I quint so hard I get headaches, even with sunglasses. I want to live in Alaska.
There are so many other issues...and it sucks. I didn't give a damn about getting older as long as I got to be the cool grandma and spoil my grandchildren...now I don't have that in my future.
Growing old alone is a scary thought. My husband is older than me...my whole family I am still in contact with are older than me. I thought I would have Cassi and her child/children to follow around the rest of my life. All of these things I am writing about are simply shallow reminders of what may be to come. I am getting older, my family older than me...I warn them they better not leave me here all alone, but really, what can I do about it??? What can they do about it??? Doesn't really make sense, but I have told my husband I would kill him if he died before me...the minute the words came out of my mouth, it was like..."Oh...really...I guess I told him how it's gonna be" Sigh
Gosh...this whole journal has been me borrowing trouble again...When will I ever learn???? One day at a time Gina!!! I'm just tired...spent the day with my poor frail mother and feel so inadequate to help her...yet she has so much more than me, in terms of elderly care.
I guess these are the things that sneak up on you after the first year is over...that first year was just pain and survival...now all these other worries are tapping me on the shoulder.
Replies
Of course you are tired after such a hard day. Take time for your self, dear soth, you\'re still young for another decade. I\'m 75, and now I\'m getting old. A good nights sleep will make all the difference. Love abby
Grief is exhausting. We ruminate about depressive subjects, we suffer for any and every unkind word spoken. We blame ourselves, though we know we\'d have done anything to save our children. Our good, beautiful, living, children. Our futures aren\'t going to be the way we planned, but no one\'s really ever is.
I see so much of myself in your journal Gina. I am 48. Can\'t see either. I where contacts and have to wear readers. Yes they do sell contacts like bifocals. My period is the same way and I think sometimes I will bleed to death. I lost my mama in February of this year. I am the oldest of three and the only girl so looking after her and my daddy fall in me. My daddy goes for a heart Cather on Friday doctors think he may have a blockage. That is tiresome itself. You are like myself losing on only child. Losing the future with grandkids . Something that will never be. Tiresome yes. Exhausting yes. This road we are on is the most exhausting road ever. I look back over the last nine years and it is amazing I can even walk straight . Take care of yourself. Congrats on your weight lost. Much love
I just turned 69 yrs. old, in Sept. I feel 169!! I can\'t see well either, have so many aches and pains, it is ridiculous!! Obviously, since Billy ran off with the slut, I am really all alone. Life is nothing like I had planned. I am also exhausted, all the time. Being so fat isn\'t helping either, but I can\'t seem to make myself go on a diet. Nothing seems to matter any more. Just know you are not alone.
((((HUGS)))), Julia
Grieving is brutal to our heart & body. I\'ve been on this journey over 7 yrs now, some days are better than others. Every now & then there are even good days.
I\'m surprised how a stressful day can make my whole body ache. Reading up on the mind body connection has provided my with some interesting food for thought. Taking gentle care & being patient with ourselves is so important. Things that have helped my are massage, acupuncture, journaling, warm baths with Epsom salts. Even a mani pedi can temporarily lift the mood. Reading other moms journals, you may find other things they do for self care.
Heartfelt hugs Gina
Vicki
Grieving is brutal and exhausting! It ages you and tends to make one think of old age, tends to make the future seem dimmer, but we all go through it and it is painful!
Our remaining son who turns 40 next year is not married and wants no children so we lost our future with grandchildren when our older son died. I was ready to be a grandma in my late fourties so it was an abrupt reality. I remember worrying about bifocals and menopause too. Cataract surgery in my early 50\'s left me with 20/20 in one eye and 20/30 in the other eye so that took care of that. Now it is old lady glasses or bifocals with a slight correction for astigmatism. Menopause brought on a lot of rage but I got through it with the help of a punching bag. The dogs were upset when I used it so I tried to use it as little as possible. They always wanted to be with me or they would howl, so locking them out of my room did not help. Looking back it seems things sort of resolved themselves but it was hard work. Getting old isn\'t easy but honestly I feel better now than I did when I was in my twenties. Part of it was the weight loss and daily walking but a lot of it is that I too have done some mind-body work and I finally realized how important it is to live in the NOW moment and BE happy in it. I could worry about how our younger son does not take care of himself, losing my father, and spouse but that caused constant diarrhea and I could never leave the house which was making me miserable and drained. Borrowing trouble doesn\'t do anything except cause havoc on the body and soul. I try to have faith that God will help when the harsh times fall and enjoy how things are in this moment. These aren\'t pearls of wisdom, I innately knew these things but sometimes it takes someone to remind me.
Sending love, hugs, compassion,
Leda
I have felt your same feelings that you shared in your journal. After 15 years and loosing my youngest son 4 years ago there are days I still feel very empty with life. I know I will never have the joy of being a grandmother, but I raised a niece and am like a grandmother to my great 11 yr. old niece. I just make the best of my life now a days and really found that I have no choice. At the moment I lost my youngest son I bled through my clothes that morning and I had the worst period in my entire life and I was 53 years old. I never, ever got my period again. I look back now and realize that my entire body went into shock as well as my mind that morning. Grief took a its toll on me as well. Just remember you are not alone and that you have us...It helps keep me sane at times...XOX, Debbie
I was a Grandma before I lost my son, my daughter got pregnant at 17. The bad thing is that my son was to be a father, he did not live that long to meet his son. I have lost a lot of family in my years, like you I don\'t want to loose any more before me. I am afraid my heart would not live through it.
Life is not easy, I just would like it to be less bumpy...
Big bear hug
Penny