a candle for my self and the monkey on my back
maybe we each have a form of that here. Yes I have a mood disorder, yes most of the times
I don't know what my feelings mean and they overwhelm me by fueling my thoughts
into an unuseful, unsociable state.
There seems to be an instaitiable engine in me of anxiety and aggression and paranoia
though naturally I am a really peaceful person - the dichotomy though exists. Probably
because I don't know my feelings so well is why the two sides of the coin are 
at odds
with each other. Perhaps it's time to recognize that anxiety engine as, though a mystery,
an engine to fuel creative pursuits, expressions and my work out here in the world..
I lit this candle as a prayer for me to help me manage the monkey on my back
and keep on keeping on. I hope you guys can do that too. Peace, Mark
Replies
I wrote this earlier and I just wanted to put this here. Maybe we all just gotta be ourselves and cope the best intuitive we can.. self acceptance to you guys because no one can do it for us:
I’m thinking about the story of the man in quicksand. He was sinking deeper and deeper, and he prayed to the Lord to save him. Someone came to him and said do you need anything? He replied ‘no I’m waiting for the Lord to save me!’ Then he was dipping deeper and he prayed to the Lord and someone walking by came to him just walking by and said ‘do you need help?’ and the guy said ‘no I’m waiting for the Lord to save me!’! finally it happened a third time and he said the same thing ‘I’m waiting for the Lord to help me.’ And so the man sank and died. Up in heaven, he asked God ‘why didn’t you save me?’ and God said ‘I sent you three people!.’ It seems applicable to my life that I’ve been given the same things. I’ve lived a very privileged life and have been involved in all sorts of things that I’ve had fantasies about or have been on my bucket list all have happened or I have some elements of them in my life now. I am very lucky. The image or the total experience of each opportunity or experience of these things may not be or may not have been ideal without abrasion, and things like that, but that’s life! So I’m realizing how lucky I am today and I’m really happy. Now do I take the reins? Take on the responsibility I’m having here at the Monastery? Or do I move on? It’s the same thing. Is it too caustic or do I stay work it out? Things are good though. Things are very good. My mind still misbehaves and it’s something to cope with. But as my sister said ‘we’re all struggling’
Do you practice mindfulness and deep breathing? Just to get you back on track when your mind spirals with thoughts.
I understand about having all kinds of different thoughts and feelings in just one day. It gets confusing!
Thanks GT! Good ideas! You rock!
Big hug sweetie
I'm glad that you lit a candle for you
God hears our prayers
I hope that you'll soon feel some relief...xo
Thanks Janet!
do we really have a choice but to be ourselves. i can lay on an inch of face paint, a mind full of pretense and the hair colors of an infant but underneath, it remains little ol' me pretending to be something i am not.
one of my life mantras for the last few decades has been, "let the dream motivate. let reality dictate." that mantra grew out of meditations on a variant of you quicksand parable. my variant used flood waters, but the rest is the same. the dream of the parable was to escape the life threat. the reality was that god sent him 3 people. he needed only open his mind, heart and eyes.
thanks arfie! that's really wonderful and beautiful!