A Box of Treasures
It has been a long time since I have written here. I went into a place of quiet... A time of reflection and rest after emotional stress. I needed distance, and to hear the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. I needed to find a way to be healed again. And not just from my ex (which would have been easier), but from my family too. I have lost my entire family since October, beginning on my birthday. It was not a good a way to begin a new year, but somehow it seemed right... A natural evolution.
I have discovered that further I fall into myself, that I grow and spend time nurturing myself... That I get healthy... More and more important people in my life fall by the wayside. Honestly, none of them should have been in my life in the first place. I was cutting weight and letting go of those who held me back from being me, of celebrating who I was as a person... And those who wanted me to change myself to make themselves feel better.
In the first few days of February, I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy. It is a dormant virus that usually is activated by stressful life explosions (as I like to call them). I was utterly exhausted when I found out I had this disease and lost vision in one of my eyes. I had nothing I could do but be with myself, so that is what I did. I prayed, meditated, watched a lot of TV (far-sight was ok, and when my eyes got tired, I could close them and listen). That same day I was diagnosed, my ex broke into my house, and left a note inside the front door. Thankfully, my dog scared him away.
It was like God was slamming a big note in my face. It said:
Dear T,
Stop letting people fuck you over and feeling bad for them. They made their choices and now they have to face the consequences of their actions. Dealing with people that treat you poorly will make you sick, miss out on life through worry, stress, being sad, angry and bitter. Ultimately, if you keep up with this lifestyle and continue to allow people and situations into your life that do not align with who you are, you WILL die. I am hoping you make another choice. I love you and I will never give up on you, and I want you to have the very best life possible... But it has to be up to you.
This is your invitation to claim a life that will make you happy, to learn your lesson so that you can help and teach others. to claim your happiness and to show those that surround you that it is possible to be happy, to make a different choice. That pain and suffering is not my way. Love is not hurt. It is the opposite of darkness, it is light.
You have the power to change your life.
Love and Peace,
God
Tonight, I had a realization. When my ex asked me to marry him and I said no, instead of being hurt or saddened, he was enraged... Angry that his possession was about to get away. I have been proposed to 6 times. Engaged 3 times. I knew his reaction was different than anyone else's. With the exception of my first abusive relationship (with a psychopath), every one had been saddened and hurt... But so kind, compassionate and understanding. Just as I had been with them. It was sad for all of us... Yet, very, very... Normal. As opposed to my ex.
I have three engagement rings (including one from my ex), that I keep in a box with a bunch of other items that were important parts of my life... Including mementos of every experience in life (that I could document) that were beautiful and made me feel loved. Tonight, I wanted to hold something precious... To be reminded of what love was... And I opened the box to find my mother's Tiara.
My mom was a model, and earned a crown as the most beautiful woman in our city. It is a big deal where I come from... And was hard-earned. When I was a little girl, I used to like to play dress-up and would find her crown hidden away and crown my friends and myself as princesses... We would drape or elegant homemade clothes... Again, patched together from my mother's closet... Over ourselves and practice making grand entrances... Eventually my mom gave me the crown. It was very special to me.
Tonight I found it, and I felt every emotion I could possibly imagine... Sadness, grief, guilt, fondness and happy memories, all tumbling together.
This past week has been really hard. My mom's birthday celebration is tomorrow, and I have been dreaming it, ever since it was planned. I hate her sooo much for everything she has done lately... The lying, the cheating, the triangulation, the bs... All the unnecessary lies... It all confirms what I hate to acknowledge... Which is, in fact, that she is a narcissist. And that means I will never be safe with her. I always have to be looking over my shoulder. Watching for the knife she plans to stab me with.
I have this fear that I am going to become just like her. I remember her reading books on narcissism to help her deal with her mom. Now I am reading about her. Scary.
This hate, this rage... It is all a part of who I am, but it scares me too. I don't want to be like her. I have to let her go, and the hate and rage I feel... To let me transformed into something that will benefit me to be a better person.
I have discovered that further I fall into myself, that I grow and spend time nurturing myself... That I get healthy... More and more important people in my life fall by the wayside. Honestly, none of them should have been in my life in the first place. I was cutting weight and letting go of those who held me back from being me, of celebrating who I was as a person... And those who wanted me to change myself to make themselves feel better.
In the first few days of February, I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy. It is a dormant virus that usually is activated by stressful life explosions (as I like to call them). I was utterly exhausted when I found out I had this disease and lost vision in one of my eyes. I had nothing I could do but be with myself, so that is what I did. I prayed, meditated, watched a lot of TV (far-sight was ok, and when my eyes got tired, I could close them and listen). That same day I was diagnosed, my ex broke into my house, and left a note inside the front door. Thankfully, my dog scared him away.
It was like God was slamming a big note in my face. It said:
Dear T,
Stop letting people fuck you over and feeling bad for them. They made their choices and now they have to face the consequences of their actions. Dealing with people that treat you poorly will make you sick, miss out on life through worry, stress, being sad, angry and bitter. Ultimately, if you keep up with this lifestyle and continue to allow people and situations into your life that do not align with who you are, you WILL die. I am hoping you make another choice. I love you and I will never give up on you, and I want you to have the very best life possible... But it has to be up to you.
This is your invitation to claim a life that will make you happy, to learn your lesson so that you can help and teach others. to claim your happiness and to show those that surround you that it is possible to be happy, to make a different choice. That pain and suffering is not my way. Love is not hurt. It is the opposite of darkness, it is light.
You have the power to change your life.
Love and Peace,
God
Tonight, I had a realization. When my ex asked me to marry him and I said no, instead of being hurt or saddened, he was enraged... Angry that his possession was about to get away. I have been proposed to 6 times. Engaged 3 times. I knew his reaction was different than anyone else's. With the exception of my first abusive relationship (with a psychopath), every one had been saddened and hurt... But so kind, compassionate and understanding. Just as I had been with them. It was sad for all of us... Yet, very, very... Normal. As opposed to my ex.
I have three engagement rings (including one from my ex), that I keep in a box with a bunch of other items that were important parts of my life... Including mementos of every experience in life (that I could document) that were beautiful and made me feel loved. Tonight, I wanted to hold something precious... To be reminded of what love was... And I opened the box to find my mother's Tiara.
My mom was a model, and earned a crown as the most beautiful woman in our city. It is a big deal where I come from... And was hard-earned. When I was a little girl, I used to like to play dress-up and would find her crown hidden away and crown my friends and myself as princesses... We would drape or elegant homemade clothes... Again, patched together from my mother's closet... Over ourselves and practice making grand entrances... Eventually my mom gave me the crown. It was very special to me.
Tonight I found it, and I felt every emotion I could possibly imagine... Sadness, grief, guilt, fondness and happy memories, all tumbling together.
This past week has been really hard. My mom's birthday celebration is tomorrow, and I have been dreaming it, ever since it was planned. I hate her sooo much for everything she has done lately... The lying, the cheating, the triangulation, the bs... All the unnecessary lies... It all confirms what I hate to acknowledge... Which is, in fact, that she is a narcissist. And that means I will never be safe with her. I always have to be looking over my shoulder. Watching for the knife she plans to stab me with.
I have this fear that I am going to become just like her. I remember her reading books on narcissism to help her deal with her mom. Now I am reading about her. Scary.
This hate, this rage... It is all a part of who I am, but it scares me too. I don't want to be like her. I have to let her go, and the hate and rage I feel... To let me transformed into something that will benefit me to be a better person.
Replies
((((((((Freedom)))))))) this made me cry. I have missed you on the boards. You always offered up such great insight.
I am so very sorry to hear you were diagnosed w BP. And that you lost sight in one eye.
You\'ve been through such an emotional time. Continue with the quiet time and inner reflection so you can continue to nurture and heal yourself. My God, you so deserve it!
That\'s scary and speaks volumes about ur ex\'s reaction to the proposal. You\'re so blessed to be rid of him.
As scary and angry as it is about your mom, the fact that you can see it, is so healthy for you. You work on yourself and you won\'t become like her. You\'ve already realized so much and have become strong to let the bad people out of your life. You can break the cycle.
Sending healing and peaceful thoughts.
Hugs, xoxo