A bit tired of whining...
I feel so much a whiner these days! I have all these great positive things happening and all these great, positive thoughts...but, I'm just bored.
I think it is soooo good that I have cut all the toxic people out of my life. I think it is so great that the kids and I are doing pretty good, breaking patterns, growing together and moving forward. But big sigh....
I am bored. Of course, I am on break between sessions of summer classes. Of course, there is a budget to follow. Of course, I am used to pleasing a N, taking care of needy others and sacrificing self for everyone else's drama. Now, I'm not. I actually think that this happens a lot when you are making these kinds of changes. It's a bit like cleaning out your closet and then realizing you don't think you have anything left to wear!!
I actually think this is why some get sucked back in so easily. The feelings of loneliness and boredom can be quite similar if you are not well grounded in your own needs. The difference between killing yourself for those outside of you and fullfilling your own needs quite different.
I am trying to figure out free concerts, ways to divy up gas money so that we can take kids and pups to the lake....things that don't cost much outside of time and gas. Somethings that should be so simple become so complicated sometimes. Okay, we have the time, energy and free event, but no gas. Okay, we have gas, but no time or energy. Okay we have gas and energy, but appointments today!! And I sit here sometimes and just think, good grief!! Just make it happen already! I am a smart, strong woman, surely I can manage to get us to a few good activities this summer!! hahaha!!
It is just that many times when I am here, up when I should be asleep, worrying...it just makes me sad. Both of my kids are already hell bent on becoming something, more... And well, shit, it's not to impress me, it's not to impress themselves...it's just that drive to get out of the damned poverty!!! It makes me sad for them. And it makes me sad for me. I do the best I can, but...another big sigh inserted here...I have lived through three men, abuses unimaginable to many, and even though I'm still standing...I've worked since I was 14 myself. I have supported a family and two husbands. I've made it happen. Kept it all going, kept it all together. I'm tired, dammit. Not only am I tired of the half of a life time I worked to have absolutely nothing to show for it now...I'm tired of being strong and motivated and making it all okay.
Even though the reasonable, grounded part of me knows that we are getting there and that we will be okay and that I will never stop fighting for it, the other part cries and weeps and no f'ing wonder I would still wish for that white knight to come save the day! It's not really what I want. Really, I want to make it on my own. But late night dreams seem very far away from the early morning light.
And yes, I am still beating myself up a bit. I still carry a lot of regret for my earlier decisions. My first response when my son got so angry and confronted me was "are you kidding?" What? Do you really think this was mamma's life plan? Do you think this was the picture I held in mind of raising my kids? Oh hell no!!!
I try so hard to keep a positive outlook. Something Pageo said in a post today hit me, when she said that without kids, she was able to focus entirely on herself and her healing path. I give myself credit for traveling this path with two teens on the same path of healing. It's hard. I deal with my own past, my own mistakes, my patterns, my own healing. I deal with a sexually abused daughter almost 17 with her first real boyfriend and all that goes along with that. I deal with a neglected, Aspergers, struggling son who is so much more than most ever see who is so angry at times about it all.
I balance school and finances, myself and my kids. We have found a great place of more understanding, more communication. And it is good. I think it is so good. In fact, I think it is so much more than so many have....that I wish I could just give myself a break and stop whining so much!
And yep, there I go round and round, from giving myself the credit due for having so much good going on under such bad conditions to beating myself up for actually having the gall to whine about it for a minute here in my own personal journal!
As I've mentioned before, I feel so much in limbo. I think it is because I am just almost there. Like I've climbed this huge mountain and I'm seeing it finally for the first time, but it's just not quite there. And, really, I just want to get there, even if it is for one precious moment before I begin the descent....
I think it is soooo good that I have cut all the toxic people out of my life. I think it is so great that the kids and I are doing pretty good, breaking patterns, growing together and moving forward. But big sigh....
I am bored. Of course, I am on break between sessions of summer classes. Of course, there is a budget to follow. Of course, I am used to pleasing a N, taking care of needy others and sacrificing self for everyone else's drama. Now, I'm not. I actually think that this happens a lot when you are making these kinds of changes. It's a bit like cleaning out your closet and then realizing you don't think you have anything left to wear!!
I actually think this is why some get sucked back in so easily. The feelings of loneliness and boredom can be quite similar if you are not well grounded in your own needs. The difference between killing yourself for those outside of you and fullfilling your own needs quite different.
I am trying to figure out free concerts, ways to divy up gas money so that we can take kids and pups to the lake....things that don't cost much outside of time and gas. Somethings that should be so simple become so complicated sometimes. Okay, we have the time, energy and free event, but no gas. Okay, we have gas, but no time or energy. Okay we have gas and energy, but appointments today!! And I sit here sometimes and just think, good grief!! Just make it happen already! I am a smart, strong woman, surely I can manage to get us to a few good activities this summer!! hahaha!!
It is just that many times when I am here, up when I should be asleep, worrying...it just makes me sad. Both of my kids are already hell bent on becoming something, more... And well, shit, it's not to impress me, it's not to impress themselves...it's just that drive to get out of the damned poverty!!! It makes me sad for them. And it makes me sad for me. I do the best I can, but...another big sigh inserted here...I have lived through three men, abuses unimaginable to many, and even though I'm still standing...I've worked since I was 14 myself. I have supported a family and two husbands. I've made it happen. Kept it all going, kept it all together. I'm tired, dammit. Not only am I tired of the half of a life time I worked to have absolutely nothing to show for it now...I'm tired of being strong and motivated and making it all okay.
Even though the reasonable, grounded part of me knows that we are getting there and that we will be okay and that I will never stop fighting for it, the other part cries and weeps and no f'ing wonder I would still wish for that white knight to come save the day! It's not really what I want. Really, I want to make it on my own. But late night dreams seem very far away from the early morning light.
And yes, I am still beating myself up a bit. I still carry a lot of regret for my earlier decisions. My first response when my son got so angry and confronted me was "are you kidding?" What? Do you really think this was mamma's life plan? Do you think this was the picture I held in mind of raising my kids? Oh hell no!!!
I try so hard to keep a positive outlook. Something Pageo said in a post today hit me, when she said that without kids, she was able to focus entirely on herself and her healing path. I give myself credit for traveling this path with two teens on the same path of healing. It's hard. I deal with my own past, my own mistakes, my patterns, my own healing. I deal with a sexually abused daughter almost 17 with her first real boyfriend and all that goes along with that. I deal with a neglected, Aspergers, struggling son who is so much more than most ever see who is so angry at times about it all.
I balance school and finances, myself and my kids. We have found a great place of more understanding, more communication. And it is good. I think it is so good. In fact, I think it is so much more than so many have....that I wish I could just give myself a break and stop whining so much!
And yep, there I go round and round, from giving myself the credit due for having so much good going on under such bad conditions to beating myself up for actually having the gall to whine about it for a minute here in my own personal journal!
As I've mentioned before, I feel so much in limbo. I think it is because I am just almost there. Like I've climbed this huge mountain and I'm seeing it finally for the first time, but it's just not quite there. And, really, I just want to get there, even if it is for one precious moment before I begin the descent....
Replies
Raniagale, Here are a few thoughts or some feed back. Part of what I think happens is that people are not used to doing nothing. The place where excitement and drama no longer exist. It is not something MANY people are used to. It makes me think of how it would be to be retired and old. Something like that. I hit those places as well. The difference is I do not go out and seek drama and excitement. I work to just be and see how that goes. So that is one thought.
Another one is ... I had the same sort of condition you have but in another way different. I will have the money but not the time. Have the time but then nothing is going on that is my interest. I spent about 2 years trying to figure this out. It was like I would have all these invitations at one time .. all this stuff to do and I would be tired ... then when I wasn\'t tired ... blank. Got frustrated. Cursed out loud a few times not knowing \"what gives!\"
My answer to all of this? Stay internally steady. Just BE and get interested in not doing. Strange enough as I began accepting what is with of course keeping up with what I have to do as well as my person painting life ... things began to unfold. I didn\'t have to lift a thumb in some regards.
Just had to allow for seemingly empty spaces.
Now I see a pattern of callem \'empty spaces\' and actually see that as part of the rhythm. Now I look forward to the \'empty space\' and not turn it into a problem as if something is wrong. all that is happening is that things are not colliding. Not much on the plate knowing that later there will be too much on my plate.
Finally there is the changing of patterns. From having class to no class. All the things that make up a day are all of a sudden gone and a person doesn\'t exactly know what to do.
i have learned to allow that space to happen and realize that it is time to change gears. Do it enough and it becomes part of the whole living process.
If one is tuned into carrying a 10 lb weight on their back ... take that weight away and it isn\'t going to feel comfortable. It will change the way the body balances. Knowing this helps with reorganizing the way a person uses or doesn\'t use their energies.
My message that I use for myself is to begin reorganizing asap and stop looking back at what was and be where I am at. Resistance to what IS takes away from ambition and general well being adds to the helpless feature or the boredom factor. The biggest challenge I see for nearly every one is not being able to deal with the lack of entertainment, drama and distraction. This is not directed to your story .... just an extra tid bit. I hope you do not mind me writing too much.
I don\'t mind you writing too much - you always have something helpful to say! I know that I am still adjusting from always having drama going on. Even during the more drama-free years with the kids\' dad, I was working my medical transcription job, doing the accounting and more for his company, still teaching dance some evenings and homeschooling the kids. I have been so much on the go or involved in crazymaking for so long, it does feel completely different to just be.
I am also just having trouble with the reorganizing. It is like now that I\'ve stopped for a minute, I don\'t know how to get back started in a reasonable manner. Maybe part of the black or white type thinking or a bit all or nothing. I\'m kind of realizing I seem to have two speeds, all out or completely slumped!!
I think I am also intentionally pushing back a little bit (against life, against expectations). This is why I struggle with feeling entitled, I think. I did so much and ended up back at square one times three. Now, it is like I\'m just taking some of it back...spending the lost time with myself, with my kids. A big part of me just wants to be lazy, not clean the house, not get extra work, not deal with forming any new relationships at all.
These two parts of me, the one feeling bored and unused to not having constant action of some type and the part demanding ease are struggling to find some kind of balance or rhythm that works. I think you have a good point that I am resisting both and so I\'m just spinning my wheels in this current place.
I deal with this myself. Kind of all or nothing sort of energy balance. I love going all the way. then comes nothing at all OK so the in between... working on this. What seems to get in the way is THINKING what I should be and do instead of working with energy on a daily basis. This means there will be times when I am in an ALL kind of mood and there is no ALL possible.
If i relate to action as my self meaning then I get into trouble. When things or more still and spacious I practice knowing my self through being rather than doing... other wise doing becomes the only connection to my meaning of my existence. Of course our culture promotes this because it produces revenue.
i ask my self questions like... who am I doing for? What am I doing for and what carrot am I chasing that I already own and always will. This is my thinking that begins to get things into perspective.
None the less changing gears can be a challenge. Something new to learn about.
Hi Ranigale, WOW can feel all of what you are saying!! Sounds so much like my life, I wrote you a letter about some of it ,Guess it was a bit overwelming, The money struggle, Wanting to do things with the kidos ect!, Then not wanting to do anything, like cleaning ect, Thats the things I am struggling with also,Seems like the older we get , The harder things become, I dont know , thats why I am here. I started with DS in June so I am really new to all of this , but have learned so much! My issues, Family drama ect, Needless to say I have a Long journey.. There are so many wonderful amazing, inspiring , loving and caring ppl here so I finally feel that there is still hope, time and better days. Love the fact that everyone excepts you for yourself and doesnt judge anything you say or have done! I also have always been a strong, never give up ect , person, but in the last year or so find myself struggling with even little things wich has never been an issue. I wish you the best and hopefully like they say, things will get better and everyday can be a knew begining! Thanks for sharing and you know, you are never alone when here! You seem to be a very special, giving loving lady. Have a wonderful day full of lots of love and sunshine xxxx