A bit tired of whining...
I feel so much a whiner these days! I have all these great positive things happening and all these great, positive thoughts...but, I'm just bored.
I think it is soooo good that I have cut all the toxic people out of my life. I think it is so great that the kids and I are doing pretty good, breaking patterns, growing together and moving forward. But big sigh....
I am bored. Of course, I am on break between sessions of summer classes. Of course, there is a budget to follow. Of course, I am used to pleasing a N, taking care of needy others and sacrificing self for everyone else's drama. Now, I'm not. I actually think that this happens a lot when you are making these kinds of changes. It's a bit like cleaning out your closet and then realizing you don't think you have anything left to wear!!
I actually think this is why some get sucked back in so easily. The feelings of loneliness and boredom can be quite similar if you are not well grounded in your own needs. The difference between killing yourself for those outside of you and fullfilling your own needs quite different.
I am trying to figure out free concerts, ways to divy up gas money so that we can take kids and pups to the lake....things that don't cost much outside of time and gas. Somethings that should be so simple become so complicated sometimes. Okay, we have the time, energy and free event, but no gas. Okay, we have gas, but no time or energy. Okay we have gas and energy, but appointments today!! And I sit here sometimes and just think, good grief!! Just make it happen already! I am a smart, strong woman, surely I can manage to get us to a few good activities this summer!! hahaha!!
It is just that many times when I am here, up when I should be asleep, worrying...it just makes me sad. Both of my kids are already hell bent on becoming something, more... And well, shit, it's not to impress me, it's not to impress themselves...it's just that drive to get out of the damned poverty!!! It makes me sad for them. And it makes me sad for me. I do the best I can, but...another big sigh inserted here...I have lived through three men, abuses unimaginable to many, and even though I'm still standing...I've worked since I was 14 myself. I have supported a family and two husbands. I've made it happen. Kept it all going, kept it all together. I'm tired, dammit. Not only am I tired of the half of a life time I worked to have absolutely nothing to show for it now...I'm tired of being strong and motivated and making it all okay.
Even though the reasonable, grounded part of me knows that we are getting there and that we will be okay and that I will never stop fighting for it, the other part cries and weeps and no f'ing wonder I would still wish for that white knight to come save the day! It's not really what I want. Really, I want to make it on my own. But late night dreams seem very far away from the early morning light.
And yes, I am still beating myself up a bit. I still carry a lot of regret for my earlier decisions. My first response when my son got so angry and confronted me was "are you kidding?" What? Do you really think this was mamma's life plan? Do you think this was the picture I held in mind of raising my kids? Oh hell no!!!
I try so hard to keep a positive outlook. Something Pageo said in a post today hit me, when she said that without kids, she was able to focus entirely on herself and her healing path. I give myself credit for traveling this path with two teens on the same path of healing. It's hard. I deal with my own past, my own mistakes, my patterns, my own healing. I deal with a sexually abused daughter almost 17 with her first real boyfriend and all that goes along with that. I deal with a neglected, Aspergers, struggling son who is so much more than most ever see who is so angry at times about it all.
I balance school and finances, myself and my kids. We have found a great place of more understanding, more communication. And it is good. I think it is so good. In fact, I think it is so much more than so many have....that I wish I could just give myself a break and stop whining so much!
And yep, there I go round and round, from giving myself the credit due for having so much good going on under such bad conditions to beating myself up for actually having the gall to whine about it for a minute here in my own personal journal!
As I've mentioned before, I feel so much in limbo. I think it is because I am just almost there. Like I've climbed this huge mountain and I'm seeing it finally for the first time, but it's just not quite there. And, really, I just want to get there, even if it is for one precious moment before I begin the descent....
I think it is soooo good that I have cut all the toxic people out of my life. I think it is so great that the kids and I are doing pretty good, breaking patterns, growing together and moving forward. But big sigh....
I am bored. Of course, I am on break between sessions of summer classes. Of course, there is a budget to follow. Of course, I am used to pleasing a N, taking care of needy others and sacrificing self for everyone else's drama. Now, I'm not. I actually think that this happens a lot when you are making these kinds of changes. It's a bit like cleaning out your closet and then realizing you don't think you have anything left to wear!!
I actually think this is why some get sucked back in so easily. The feelings of loneliness and boredom can be quite similar if you are not well grounded in your own needs. The difference between killing yourself for those outside of you and fullfilling your own needs quite different.
I am trying to figure out free concerts, ways to divy up gas money so that we can take kids and pups to the lake....things that don't cost much outside of time and gas. Somethings that should be so simple become so complicated sometimes. Okay, we have the time, energy and free event, but no gas. Okay, we have gas, but no time or energy. Okay we have gas and energy, but appointments today!! And I sit here sometimes and just think, good grief!! Just make it happen already! I am a smart, strong woman, surely I can manage to get us to a few good activities this summer!! hahaha!!
It is just that many times when I am here, up when I should be asleep, worrying...it just makes me sad. Both of my kids are already hell bent on becoming something, more... And well, shit, it's not to impress me, it's not to impress themselves...it's just that drive to get out of the damned poverty!!! It makes me sad for them. And it makes me sad for me. I do the best I can, but...another big sigh inserted here...I have lived through three men, abuses unimaginable to many, and even though I'm still standing...I've worked since I was 14 myself. I have supported a family and two husbands. I've made it happen. Kept it all going, kept it all together. I'm tired, dammit. Not only am I tired of the half of a life time I worked to have absolutely nothing to show for it now...I'm tired of being strong and motivated and making it all okay.
Even though the reasonable, grounded part of me knows that we are getting there and that we will be okay and that I will never stop fighting for it, the other part cries and weeps and no f'ing wonder I would still wish for that white knight to come save the day! It's not really what I want. Really, I want to make it on my own. But late night dreams seem very far away from the early morning light.
And yes, I am still beating myself up a bit. I still carry a lot of regret for my earlier decisions. My first response when my son got so angry and confronted me was "are you kidding?" What? Do you really think this was mamma's life plan? Do you think this was the picture I held in mind of raising my kids? Oh hell no!!!
I try so hard to keep a positive outlook. Something Pageo said in a post today hit me, when she said that without kids, she was able to focus entirely on herself and her healing path. I give myself credit for traveling this path with two teens on the same path of healing. It's hard. I deal with my own past, my own mistakes, my patterns, my own healing. I deal with a sexually abused daughter almost 17 with her first real boyfriend and all that goes along with that. I deal with a neglected, Aspergers, struggling son who is so much more than most ever see who is so angry at times about it all.
I balance school and finances, myself and my kids. We have found a great place of more understanding, more communication. And it is good. I think it is so good. In fact, I think it is so much more than so many have....that I wish I could just give myself a break and stop whining so much!
And yep, there I go round and round, from giving myself the credit due for having so much good going on under such bad conditions to beating myself up for actually having the gall to whine about it for a minute here in my own personal journal!
As I've mentioned before, I feel so much in limbo. I think it is because I am just almost there. Like I've climbed this huge mountain and I'm seeing it finally for the first time, but it's just not quite there. And, really, I just want to get there, even if it is for one precious moment before I begin the descent....
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