A better day

I’m doing pretty well here, knock wood. I came down to service this morning and I was not into it at first but I was respectful. Then I realized after a while that I was fighting myself and my appetites to stay focused. I figured we all do that to some degree. We all have appetites and commitments/responsibilities. How we deal with them is a point of interest for me - it makes me see the universal conundrum but also the individual practices. Then with that wisdom I kind of grew into it, so to speak. I started to notice though that although I was into it - much of my energy and focus was on fighting myself to stay present for the ceremony and attuned. Though I was into it. I was being respectful and I knew instinctively what to do but not all of it.  I just, from this experience of all the presence of mind stuff, that I discovered that much of the time I’m fighting myself either in unconscious rumination or to stay attentive or stay attuned. Somedays I feel like I am more fighting myself than actually engaged. Now I can see how, that I need to practice conscious balancing in life and it is definitely needed for me is what I am emphatically saying. Indulging in this kind of writing needs to be balanced by some kind of thing in the present to bring me back to normalcy or balance. Things are good. I’m at the pub!!