a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h i am.......

lost in thought.  losing connection.

they were speaking of solutions.  i chimed in.  my own thoughts.  my ideas.  it was as if i had not spoken aloud at all.

being a part of is harder than it looks.  did i insert myself into a conversation where i was not the one sought out for an answer or an idea?  is that why i was not included?

i watched....the person asked looked at the other.......directly at her only and addressed her questions.  they did not look at me......i wondered if i had spoken aloud at all.  i fade from the world more and more.  an unheard unincluded being.

it's a very curious and sad thing to see or be.

all i want is to fit.  somewhere.  to be needed.  to be included.  to be invited.  to be a shade more normal.

is my profile, my outline disappearing from every shore?  a pregone, pre disappeared chalk outline that still breathes, still inhabits space........an invisihuman who doesn't know they are not any more?

who am i, what am i.  am i still a part of this world?

i see flashes of inclusion.  i feel it sometimes......even as far back as this back burner......in a place i don't know.  a lost space.  a mapless off course bit of humanity without so much as an island. 

fanciful or true?  self pity or self realization?  exhaustion or foolishness.  all or nothing. some of everything.....a little bit of truth?  confusing.......hard to know. 

time to withdraw to that safe place.  under a blanket, to a softness that comforts and holds safety for us all.