Pain
I am trying to make the best of what is left of my life. I miss him so much that I cannot help but wonder how long will it be before I see him again. I ask him to please come in my dreams and tell me how he is doing. I did some research on understandind death and it may have helped a little. I am ready a book name Many Lifes Many masters which talks about reincarnation. I know that as a Catholic I should not believe in it but at this time I am just a confused soul trying to hold on to anything that can give me comfort. I miss my husband so much that life seems so confusing and lonely. Yesterday, I received the death certificate and I could not believe that he is truly dead. There are times that I think that he is on a trip and will soon come home but then I realize that he is dead and that is when I feel desperate lonely and depressed. Yesterday, I went to the gravesite and talked to him and told him how do you expected me to continue when you took part of me. I feel like a little piece of me is dying everyday. I feel like I am no longer able to continue in this life. What was my life seems to have disappeared and it has been replace by someone and something I don't know. I love you and I need you hear with me. Why did you leave me? Everyone says that I need to let him rest in peace but how do I do that? They say that I should not visit him everyday at the gravesite because he sees my pain and cannot rest. They say that I should not cry because again he is not resting seeing me they way I am. How could they say that? Don't they understand that this pain is so great that I myself have no control over it. Don't they know that he was my life? Don't they know that I love him and miss him? Life may continue for them but for me it has stopped. This pain is so great that there are times I want to end it all but it is not what he would want me to do. I have to live for my children and to fulfill some of his dreams but where do I get this strength to keep going. Can someone tell me where to buy, borrow, or find that strenght that is needed. Can someone tell me how to continue in life. How to get rid of this pain. Where can we find our love ones? How do we communicate with them? Everyone says that he is around me all the time why can't I feel him. Others say because I am so consumed with my pain that is the reason he is not around. I think this is the time he needs to be around so that I feel him near me and give me comfort that I need. I love him and miss him so much that I fear what is left of my life. I fear living alone and getting old. He is the love of my life. Why does death have to happen? Death is cruel and ugly and it rears it head deep inside us and eats our inside. I miss my husband so much and this hurts. Love is suppose to be beautiful and loving but right now love hurts and it is very painful. Love was our husband and now it has been taken away. I feel so empty and hurt and Oh God I miss him so much. Why did you take him away from me? What awful thing did i do to deserve him taken away from me? What did he do to deserve to die? God please guide me and let me have some answers. I am getting crazy trying to figure out what went wrong. I feel guilty and wonder if I could have stop this from happening? Why Why Why did he have to die? I need answers.
Replies
Linda, I\'m so sorry and I feel your pain. You\'re a sweet child right now in need of comfort and support and I would love to make everything all better. I don\'t have the power to do that, we none do. It is something we have all felt and gone through and no one will tell you that its easy, because it\'s not. I\'m glad you\'re writing your feelings. That will help. I send you bushels of hugs...Sharon
Sharon:
Thank you for your kind words and hugs.
Linda
Hi Lindalun,
So much of what you said is exactly how I am feeling right now. It is so hard to go on with life without my husband. He was my future, and without him, I see no joy in anything. I don\'t want to live without him, but I have to continue on so that I don\'t hurt everyone else around me.
If he loved me, why did he leave me? If he loved me, why didn\'t he protect me from all this pain? I hope that one day you and I will both find the answers we need to find peace. I hope that you can find strength in your children\'s eyes. Seeing that they need you, and knowing that you still have so much love in your life.
That is the only thing keep me alive. I cannot hurt my kids, mom and family otherwise I would have done something stupid by now. I love my husband and I miss him so much
Hi Lindalun, I\'m so sorry for your pain and I wish I knew what to say to make it go away. If it helps, I\'d like to tell you that what you feel is absolutely understandable, and those who ask you not to cry probably don\'t understand your needs right now. I feel that you should cry as much as you need to, because it\'s a way of releasing our pain and frustration. I wish I could say there is some kind of \"cure\" for this, but the only thing that helps is time. Have faith in that you will have the strength to go on, it will come from the love you felt for your husband, and his love for you.
The grief will only subside with time and love. My grief counselor asked me one time if I could feel Gene around me and I told her I felt that my grief was too consuming but I know he is with me. You\'ve got to cry, you\'ve got to grieve. Only time will heal the suffering we are going through and you are very early in the process. I still have days when my body just can\'t go on and I sleep the day away to escape. There is no way around the tunnel of darkness, we have to walk through it and it is a long and tenuous journey. Just remember that there will be a life for us again, but that it will never be the same as when our dear husbands were with us. My heart goes out to you. Love and peace, Carol
Carol:
Thank you for your kind words. I have been told that my husband is around me but due to my pain I have not felt him yet. I cannot help feeling this pain of missing him. He was my life and I love him so much. I wish I could have that magic wand to bring him back but that does not exist. Life does not seem the same there seems to be no future no tomorrow. How can we continue? Hope seems like a word that does not exist at this time for us? I love my husband and miss him so much. Linda