Ugh

Today I am feeling kind of sad. I have that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach like something is wrong. I had that feeling for WEEKS and WEEKS after my honey died.  It went away after I started taking Pristiq. And now, it is back. It is not as strong.  I sort of know why. Today, I went to the audiologist to get my new earmolds, earhooks, and tubing for my hearing aids. I was actually way overdue for getting them. The audiologist is located at the hospital where my honey died. I wish I did not have to go there again. Ever.   Also his birthday is this Friday. He would have been 49. I am feeling so sad.  Also, Z contacted me today. She is one of my stepdaughters. She said she wanted to come over tonight to "talk".  At first, I said sure. But then when I got home from work I called and cancelled. I cancelled because I know she wants to talk about things like money, the estate, the house, the car, etc. And, I am not ready to discuss these things with her.  Everyone in his family is so concerned about his kids. But no one is concerned about me. The kids are going to top tier universities, getting really good educations, making connections to people that will enable them to be successful. They have their whole lives ahead of them. They'll get married, have kids, have good lives, have careers, etc. I am not young, I do not have university degrees, I am not starting a great career, I do not have those connections. It is not right that they expect me to give everything to the kids. The house is mine, the life insurance is mine. The kids have a mother, who has a house, who has money, who has a better paying job than I do. It pisses me off, how little they think of me.  Last night, Z said/did something that so strongly underscored for me just how little they think of me. I had been cleaning out the annex and rearranging things. I brought out a framed poster of his, it is of a wolf, and a Native American with the words "We Are All One Family" on it. Z saw it and she said she wanted it. I told her no, that she could not have it, not now, that I want it, that maybe one day she will have it. (She has 3 sisters I have to think of too!).  And her response to that, very off the cuff, without thinking, she said "but it was his". As if I have no right to anything that was his. After all, I was only his wife!!!  Amazing!   Anyway, I am going to eat now.