i cannot do this anymore, i cant live like this.for the past few weeks ive been sleeping all day and up all night.i must of fallen asleep around 1pm today and its 12am and just woke up. woke up with my anxiety through the roof none the less. i didnt even know what day it was. and i know this is how i feel right now, saying i cant live how i am...but whats going to change? i know i have to make big changes in my life but how am i supposed to do that when i cant do something as simple as taking out the garbage. a part of me wants to change, but a huge part of me is scared to death to make any changes. because i know that i am "comfortable"  with how things are now..this is like a routine to me. and even though it sucks, this is what im used to, and in a way i dont want things to change. I HATE CHANGE.  i miss joshua so much...i went to his gravesite and it was so hard to even look at it..it made me feel guilty. its just reality really kicks in when you see your sons grave.   before i go, i want to say how thankful i am for everyone on this site....and how grateful i am for the kind words and support i have gotten. it has helped me so much, and its amazing how you can find so much kindness in people you dont know. so thank you, i cant express how much it means to me.