Well, my surgery is a couple of weeks away. (dec. 1). I've had the pre-op class, my insurance has cleared, I've had all the testing done, I've lost the weight (and a bit extra-yay me!). If my tests come back good then I'm in the clear. It's the echo that worries me. That's the only thing that could stop the surgery. I want to get it done because my co-pays and deductibles go up each new year. I'm getting excited. The truth of the matter is that I'm getting a little freaked out. (I just posted about this in the gb board but I wanted to write in my journal too). I am trying to think of the end result but I keep thinking about the "what ifs". What if I don't survive surgery or worse what if I screw it up and don't lose weight, or lose weight and gain it all back, what if I hit a plateau and give up (which has been my m. o. for as long as I can remember), what if I can't stop eating when I'm supposed to, what if I lose control and have a binge, what if I give into cravings for pizza or cheesecake or a big juicy hamburger. I really want this surgery and I'm willing to do what I have to, but I haven't been able to control my eating for a long period of time. I do well for a while, then something stressful happens and Ieither binge or I just throw in the towel and revert back to my old habits. What if I do that after surgery-or six months out? It's like I have two opposite forces pulling me in two directions- the desire to be thin vs the desire to overeat. I don't know how I'll deal with this when I have surgery. I can't afford to screw this up. I need this to work, but I'm afraid I can't do it. I'm also afraid something will happen that I won't be able to get the surgery. Are all these mixed emotions normal before surgery?
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