I haven't journaled for a couple of days, but I do have some stuff to share. The day before yesterday I met with my psychiatrist, and she did a really good job of reminding me of tools I need to use to keep from overeating. She is also really good at making me look at reality and making me admit to my excuses and lies. The other counselor I had used to just tell me I'm doing the best I can, to be gentle on myself and used alot of abstract pie in the sky ideology. This one doesn't let me get by with the same behavior, yet she does it in a very non-threatening way.Yesterday I had my first meeting with the new surgeon who will be performing my gbs. (I had started the process with another facility,but they started having alot of issues, so I switched to this one) He has done over 2000 gbs's and has only lost one patient. The odds seem pretty good. My risk of death is about 3% (because of my size, and health problems), but my cardiologist has told me that my risk of dying from heart problems if I don't get the weight off is 50%. (Actually at that time he gave me 1 year to live or be confined to a rest home - that was in 2005, so my odds seem better with the surgery. )  I look at it like this; I can take achance to get better and have a life that I can enjoy or I can just die fat. How much would that suck-to never know life at a normal weight- that would suck big time. Anyway, this new doc says I need to lose another 13 lbs. He also gave me a protein diet that will help me lose weight faster. I will have to wait until I get a check before I can buy the stuff. My surgery will probably be about 6 weeks out. They won't set a date until they get info from the insurance back. Shouldn't be a prob since the other place had already gotten the authorization. I am going through alot of mixed feelings. One  part is a little scared because it is a dangerous surgery, and I keep t hinking how it will affect my kids and grandkids if I die. I'm sure my daughter will be o.k., but my son, I just don't know. Honestly, I don't know if he will ever get his act together, but I think he might really take it hard. I am closer to my daughter I think, just because we've been through alot together, but she is strong and she'll get through it. However, the odds of me dying anyway, without surgery, are alot worse than having the surgery.  I am also dealing with a little bit of sadness that I won't be able to eat the things I can get away with eating now. It's pathetic, I know, but sometimes the thought of never eating potato chips, or ice cream, or cheesecake or whatever is sad and a little scary. I get very anxious sometimes and start wondering if I can do it. Then also there is a big sense of relief about going on the protein shake diet. It's like theres freedom from having food in the house, I won't have to shop, I won't have to wonder if I should eat this or that. It's just right there. I can have a protein shake or water. No questions, no arguements. Finally, there's excitement about the possibility of actually becoming a normal weight person. How cool will that be to be able to walk even around the block without feeling like my legs will fall out from under me, or getting too winded. Then again, I also have alot of doubts or questions: what if I lose the weight and start getting attention from guys and go all skanky and permiscuous? What if I can't leave the food alone and I binge and split my gut open? What if I go through all of this and I don't lose the weight - or worse, gain it all back?  I'm just trying to stay positive and work on stuff now, so when I have the surgery it will come easier.