I'm journaling today against my will. ok no one has a gun to my head, but I just really don't feel like doing it. Why? because I don't have much positive to report. I actually did pretty well most of the day. It was going to the store before eating that did me in. I went to buy stuff to make crepes with. (mother/daughter thing). while I was there I picked up some halloween candy (telling myself they are just bite size and I will only have one or two a day-yeah right). Then I bought a bag of pistachios(telling myself they are heart healthy and I'll just have a few each day- uh huh). Well, I ended up eating about 8 of those bite size candies and 3/4 of the pistachios (which I just now put away). The crepes didn't turn out very good, but I ate 2. So my total for the day: no breakfast, lunch=1/2 turkey sandwhich, 3-4 tblspns stuffing and about 1 1/2 cups potato salad, dinner=2 crepes filled with ricotta cheese and raspberry. Evening snack= about 8 miniature candies (butterfinger, nestle, etc), and approx. 12 ounces of pistachios. Oh yeah and a life water. I'm having a life water at bedtime too. I guess it really doesn't sound like a huge amount of food-well, not till you get to the candy and nuts anyway. I took a few more pieces of the candy out of the bag and made my daughter take the rest of it home. I bought a huge bag. It really is frustrating when I know it's not a good choice and I do it anyway. Whats with that. I really want to be free from this weight and this eating obsession, but I consistently make wrong choices. Maybe I need to revisit the reasons i want to stay fat. There must be something going on with me subconsciously to want to be free of something so badly, yet always sabotaging any progress I make. I wonder if it's because I'm concerned about the surgery. (gastric bypass) I am excited to have it. I think it is my only chance to lead a normal life, but I am a little worried about surviving it. My cardiologist and md say that it is more dangerous for me to remain heavy than to have the surgery, and the surgeon is very experienced. However there is that little nagging thought about what if I don't make it. I really want to be around to do stuff with my grandbabies and my kids too, and just do stuff on my own. I want it so badly. I might be able to do it, if the surgery is successful. I willnever be able to do it if I don't go through with it. Even my doc says that at my weight, my body is working against me and the probability of me losing it on my own is almost nil. My 40 years of trying to do it myself, backs that statement up. Anyway, I'd rather die trying to get better than just to die fat, never having tried all options. I have wanted to do it for so long and now I finally have insurance that will cover it. I think I'm just rationally anxious. I think it's normal to be anxious when approaching a major surgery. Anyway, that's the only thing I can think of that could be contributing to my wanting to overeat-I mean other than my rebellious self, just continuing it's normal self defeating behavior. One question-how is it that I am so responsible in almost all other areas of my life except where food is involved? OK. well I'm going to force myself to get on the treadmill then I'm going to bed.