I'm journaling today against my will. ok no one has a gun to my head, but I just really don't feel like doing it. Why? because I don't have much positive to report. I actually did pretty well most of the day. It was going to the store before eating that did me in. I went to buy stuff to make crepes with. (mother/daughter thing). while I was there I picked up some halloween candy (telling myself they are just bite size and I will only have one or two a day-yeah right). Then I bought a bag of pistachios(telling myself they are heart healthy and I'll just have a few each day- uh huh). Well, I ended up eating about 8 of those bite size candies and 3/4 of the pistachios (which I just now put away). The crepes didn't turn out very good, but I ate 2. So my total for the day: no breakfast, lunch=1/2 turkey sandwhich, 3-4 tblspns stuffing and about 1 1/2 cups potato salad, dinner=2 crepes filled with ricotta cheese and raspberry. Evening snack= about 8 miniature candies (butterfinger, nestle, etc), and approx. 12 ounces of pistachios.  Oh yeah and a life water. I'm having a life water at bedtime too. I guess it really doesn't sound like a huge amount of food-well, not till you get to the candy and nuts anyway. I took a few more pieces of the candy out of the bag and made my daughter take the rest of it home. I bought a huge bag. It really is frustrating when I know it's not a good choice and I do it anyway.  Whats with that.  I really want to be free from this weight and this eating obsession, but I consistently make wrong choices.  Maybe I need to revisit the reasons i want to stay fat.  There must be something going on with me subconsciously to want to be free of something so badly, yet always sabotaging any progress I make. I wonder if it's because I'm concerned about the surgery. (gastric bypass) I am excited to have it. I think it is my only chance to lead a normal life, but I am a little worried about surviving it. My cardiologist and md say that it is more dangerous for me to remain heavy than to have the surgery, and the surgeon is very experienced. However there is that little nagging thought about what if I don't make it. I really want to be around to do stuff with my grandbabies and my kids too, and just do stuff on my own. I want it so badly. I might be able to do it, if the surgery is successful. I willnever be able to do it if I don't go through with it. Even my doc says that at my weight, my body is working against me and the probability of me losing it on my own is almost nil. My 40 years of trying to do it myself, backs that statement up. Anyway, I'd rather die trying to get better than just to die fat, never having tried all options. I have wanted to do it for so long and now I finally have insurance that will cover it. I think I'm just rationally anxious. I think it's normal to be anxious when approaching a major surgery. Anyway, that's the only thing I can think of that could be contributing to my wanting to overeat-I mean other than my rebellious self, just continuing it's normal self defeating behavior. One question-how is it that I am so responsible in almost all other areas of my life except where food is involved? OK. well I'm going to force myself to get on the treadmill then I'm going to bed.

Replies

missina
missina

footnote: I just wanted to note my positives for the day. This afternoon I did do some crunches and stretches, and after journaling I did get on the treadmill. Day not a total loss.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I have fought the idea of bariatric surgery as well. Lately I have begun to think about it, as I am losing faith that I can ever get down to a normal weight and maintain it without the surgery! Just coming here and writing when you don\'t feel like it is great! Progress not perfection, as they say....
Hope you feel better tomorrow!
deleted_user
deleted_user

You know the two golden rules (1) Don\'t go shopping on an empty stomach, (2) don\'t have foods in the house that you shouldn\'t be eating... says she who breaks the two golden rules continuously(lol)...I wanted to do the same as you today... buy my favorite choc bar and cut it into treat sized bites... just eat a little at a time you understand...yeah right... the only reason i didn\'t was because when i got around to doing it, the only shop that sells these particular bars was closed... thank goodness... although there is always tomorrow(lol)... Perfectly understandable that you are nervous about surgery... but look at the statistics and take on board your doctor\'s advice.. ultimately only you can make that decision though.... go well my friend