It's been such a very long time since I've been here. PJ's angel date is tomorrow, although Tues. was the day that he comitted suicide, and my life ceased to exist as a normal one. It still feels like it happened just yesterday, I can see everything I did that day, it's kind of scary, when you feel as though your life hasn't moved one bit. Still seeing the dr., and am now on anti depressants, they really don't seem to help awhole lot, but I do seem to be able to hide my feelings alittle better. People who don't know me would never guess that I'm dead inside, that's how I feel. I'm still not sure if I'm ever going to be able to put this behind me and move on, seems impossible. My big goober is gone forever and I don't think I want to go on in a life without him in it. I'm not forgetting my 2 other sons, who I love with all my heart, but they have their lives pretty well together, where as mine totally sucks. I miss PJ so damn much, his dramatics, his stories, his life, I've never hurt this much in my entire life, the pain is incredible, but as I said, I hide it well. Please, if anyone thinks of it, please say a prayer for PJ tomorrow.
Replies
It\'s good to hear from you. I\'m so very sorry for the pain. I don\'t think you need to have expectations of putting this behind you and moving on. We don\'t forget our child and put it behind us. We simply learn a new life. A life without our child. We exist for a long time in a place we long to escape, and slowly, ever so slowly, we learn to participate in life again. Continue to give yourself loyd of time and be patient. It\'s hard to be patient when we aren\'t whole inside and never expect to feel that way again. Still after almost three years, I don\'t feel whole or complete, but I feel joy again. I find blessings in my other children and I look forward to the day I will see my child again. Peace to you dear friend. Love to you. Robin
I can feel your pain in the reading of your journal. I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter completed suicide 8 1/2 years ago and I have had to learn a new way to live my life without her. It\'s not the life I want, but it is the life I have to accept. Nobody knows my pain, nor would I ever wish it on them. After a bit everyone thinks you have moved on, but we never forget, we never have a day without remembering them and wishing life had turned out differently. But we do grow stronger and it is easier to control our emotions so as not to upset others who just do not understand. Live does go on, there are others who need us, and we do what we have to do until the time we are reunited with our child once again. I would like to be your friend and travel this journal together with all of the other moms here at FMO. Sincerely, BarbaraWawa
The journaling is a huge part of the healing process. You don\'t have to hide or mask your feelings here, because you know that we understand your every tear. Big hugs to you. I will keep you in my prayers. Love, Barbara
Thank You everyone, I\'m not sure what I\'m doing anymore, seem to be in a fog, and nobody knows it. I try to keep things inside so I don\'t bother other people with this. The few times I do talk about my PJ, they start to get that glazed look in their eyes, so now I just don\'t talk about him, except with my youngest son. It just seems so hard without him here. But I do what I have to and go on. Again thanks to all of you for being here for me when I need you. Hugs to all, Bev
I want you to know that I just said a prayer for PJ and for you my friend. I am so glad that you are here again...with us. We each struggle...so we might as well struggle together, right? Please come again soon...love and hugs...Karen
Thanks Karen, sometimes it\'s just so hard to do anything at all, feels like I\'m in limbo. Sometimes I wish i could just stay in bed forever and just forget the world. I\'ll try and keep up with my journaling, but not sure how that will go, anyway, hugs and love to you.
My heart is here with you. This second year is proving to be worse than the first, Hang in there my friend. Love, B
I\'m so sorry I\'ve read this so late. I still said a prayer for you and PJ. For you, I prayed that you will find new meaning in your life and that you will find joy again. It\'s there, we just have to seek it out. We have to put one foot in front of the other and decide that we can keep going. We will always, always have bad days. We will always miss our children and it I think it will always be hard to live without them, but if we choose to, we can find joy again. Hugging you, Julia