Hello everyone, I know it's been awhile since I've written, but the past month has been pretty awful, didn't know it could get any worse than it already was.  I've come to the conclusion I don't like the holidays much anymore, the emotional pain is incredible, I actually was thinking of going to see a phychistrist, it's been that bad.  There is absolutly no Christmas spririt, no nothing.  I may not have seen PJ every holiday, but we always spoke on the phone, no matter what, and it didn't happen this year, I felt like I just didn't want to be here anymore, that it would be easier, no pain, no nothing.  I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone, and found I was isolating myself.  I would read DS everyday, but just didn't have in me to post anything, I did reply to a couple of moms and that took alot.  I can't believe the utter despair, it's even taking alot to write this.  I hope now that the holidays have past, things might get alittle easier.  My youngest son, who lives in Ohio, calls me every day, sometimes twice, just to keep tabs on me, Thank God for him, he keeps me somewhat together, and he's the only one who can actually get a chuckle out of me.  He has 3 little boys, ages from 7-2, and they are a handful!!  I call them the chaotic crew, I don't remember my 3 as being that boistrous, but that was along time ago and my mind isn't quite all there, but just listening to them in the background, playing and yelling does give me alittle peace, that things may once agin be normal, hopefully.  It has been only 8 months since Pj died, sometimes it feels like yesterday and at others, it feels like I've been this way forever.  I don't know how all of the others moms have gotten through this, I've never felt such heartache before and never want to again, I don't think I'd survive it.  I'm taking my Adivan, and that helps alot, seems to numb me so I can sort of function, but I know eventually I'm going to have to do this on my own, and that scares me, I don't want those feelings, but I suppose I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter how hard it is.  I miss my PJ so much, this journey is killing me.  And Karen, thank you so much for checking on me, it was your note that prompted me to write, I'll try to be better.  I hope all of you moms have a Happy New Year, or at least btter than the last one.  Lots of love to all of you. Bev