Hello everyone, I know it's been awhile since I've written, but the past month has been pretty awful, didn't know it could get any worse than it already was. I've come to the conclusion I don't like the holidays much anymore, the emotional pain is incredible, I actually was thinking of going to see a phychistrist, it's been that bad. There is absolutly no Christmas spririt, no nothing. I may not have seen PJ every holiday, but we always spoke on the phone, no matter what, and it didn't happen this year, I felt like I just didn't want to be here anymore, that it would be easier, no pain, no nothing. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone, and found I was isolating myself. I would read DS everyday, but just didn't have in me to post anything, I did reply to a couple of moms and that took alot. I can't believe the utter despair, it's even taking alot to write this. I hope now that the holidays have past, things might get alittle easier. My youngest son, who lives in Ohio, calls me every day, sometimes twice, just to keep tabs on me, Thank God for him, he keeps me somewhat together, and he's the only one who can actually get a chuckle out of me. He has 3 little boys, ages from 7-2, and they are a handful!! I call them the chaotic crew, I don't remember my 3 as being that boistrous, but that was along time ago and my mind isn't quite all there, but just listening to them in the background, playing and yelling does give me alittle peace, that things may once agin be normal, hopefully. It has been only 8 months since Pj died, sometimes it feels like yesterday and at others, it feels like I've been this way forever. I don't know how all of the others moms have gotten through this, I've never felt such heartache before and never want to again, I don't think I'd survive it. I'm taking my Adivan, and that helps alot, seems to numb me so I can sort of function, but I know eventually I'm going to have to do this on my own, and that scares me, I don't want those feelings, but I suppose I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter how hard it is. I miss my PJ so much, this journey is killing me. And Karen, thank you so much for checking on me, it was your note that prompted me to write, I'll try to be better. I hope all of you moms have a Happy New Year, or at least btter than the last one. Lots of love to all of you. Bev
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oh sweetie, thank you so much for sharing with us, that is what we are here for, for each other, even though all we can do at times is listen. we understand and you understand us. your grief is still so new, so raw, do not beat yourself up for how you feel. This is my second Christmas without my wonderful boy, Troy. it was rough. my family was around and that helped, but there is still such an overwhelming sadness that is always there in the background and foreground. thank you for sharing your thoughts. love, donna
As I recall, it was around the 8th month after Kala\'s accident that I too felt much worse....that things were getting worse, not better. I\'m not sure why it hit then, it just did. The dread of all the first, especially the first angel date, consumed my thoughts. The shock was wearing off and reality was hitting hard. If I remember correctly, it was around that time I saw a therapist, and it helped. I also had a couple of med changes to find the right one for me. You\'re doing an amazing job believe it or not. This level of grief is so intense, it takes every ounce of our strength. The good news is, this level of grief does not last forever. It will begin to ebb and tide and you will see a sort of pattern begin to emerge. Eventually, and there\'s no time table, but eventually, the overwhelming pain will subside and a dull ache will replace it. I don\'t think the ache ever leaves us....how could it.....but the ache is tolerable and we can function in our daily lives much better with it. Allow yourself the time needed for the process to occur naturally. You can\'t rush grief, just know there are easier days ahead. Love you my friend, Teri.
Christmas came at seven months and two weeks after Alex\'s death. It was a horrific time...the holidays...terrible. I was just commenting in another mother\'s journal the other day how numb and sad I was even then. I remember we went to a Christmas Eve service because Jared was singing. It was a blur and I mean a blur...I can remember feeling like I was living in a fog. I say this only to let you know that where you are is normal. I know you don\'t want to hear that...but it is. I do think that is you can talk to someone...even a psychologist instead of a psychiatrist...that it would be helpful. I have talked to someone since we lost Alex. Then, coming here has helped me too. Never worry about whether you can comment on journals or anything...that is fine...just come...write when you feel able and let us walk with you...holding your hand...cause we are stronger as a group than as individuals. Love to you...Karen
Hi honey,I am so sorry for your pain.Sometimes things feel worse before they start to feel better.Absoluely normal.Many hugs to you Bev. Christine
I remember wanting to die, all I could do is walk in circles & then lay down. It took every bit of energy out of me. Nothing I say will help you. Well, it does help some, but I had to go through it, know matter what..My experience of feeling a change, is in this 3rd year right now..The 1st two years, was the worst by far....The 3rd year is where all the changing for the better, started to happen..It will be 4 years in April, without my Son..There is no where to go but up, B/C we can\'t go down any more, other then to die, so to speak...Hang in there!! Love, Kelly
Thank you to everyone, I know I can come here and vent, and please know that it does help. I just wish the pain would go away, sometimes it\'s unbearable, and I just don\'t want to go on anymore, but then I have 2 other sons and grandchildren, who I love with all my heart, so I go on for them. Hope all of you have a better New year than the past ones. Love to all of you, Bev
Bev, I am not too far ahead of you (Michael 11-22-08) but I can say that the intensity does slowly begin to subside. I so well understand the feeling of it just being yesterday but at the same time, it has always been this way. There are times when I have a feeling that my son never was, that it was a dream. It is all normal: we have had to absorb the greatest and most tragic event of our lives in a very short period of time and also be expected to return to functioning normally, as if it never happened! It is all so hard, we know. Even the New Year scares me because my son seems to get further and further away from me. As others have said, always feel free to come here to rant, rage, vent, complain. Anything. I doubt there is anything you could say that all of us don\'t understand. Love, B
I love your profile picture. My Melissa loved butterflies and I can truly relate to all the things you said. I too wish I were with Melissa. I have no more purpose on this earth. My only living daughter lives in Montana and has her life in order. I am alone. Melissa was married but I saw her every weekend (they came to do laundry by my house) and a lot in the summer. She was always going to the beach and would stay at my house because she lived 30 minutes away from the beach. All her friends still lived on L. I. so she would get together with them. Such a large part of my life is missing and will never be filled....She is gone a year and a half and I am going for therapy but I know I will never get over it....Peace, Connie C.