Well, I made it through Thanksgiving, it really was an awful day, I'm so used to calling my boys and wishing them a Happy Thanksgiving and I couldn't call PJ.  What am I going to do?  I think these holidays are going to be the toughest of my life, not sure if I even want to deal with them.  My youngest son is taking this really bad, I suggested he talk to his dr. about the way he's feeling, I get very scared, he's so far away, and there's not alot I can do to comfort him, except talking, and we do that every night.  He can make me laugh at times, he's starting to tell me stories of when they were kids, and the things that they'd do that I never knew about!!  He's such a good kid, not really a kid, he's 31, and my baby!!  But I still worry.  Also my youngest brother came for Thanksgiving, he's divorced and doesn't talk to any of the family except me, so that was nice, he's the one I called to take care of PJ, he works in a funeral home in Boston, and wouldn't let anyone else touch PJ.  His boss asked him if he was going to ok doing this, and he said that this was going to the last thing he was ever going to be able to do for him, so nobody else touched PJ, except the medical examiner.  I also found out that PJ's skull bones were extremely thin, and when he was being held in jail, a couple of the gaurds slammed his head into the bars of a cell, he had a large cut going down from just above his eyebrow to below his eye, and during the autopsy, they found a healed fracture exactly were they had slammed him into the bars, there was still blood between the bone and the lining of the brain.  Did this cause his thinking to be screwed up, I wonder?  I mean there was pressure there, it must have done something to impair his perception of things.  I want to write to the Dept. of corrections about this matter, although I know it won't do any good.  He was only being held in lieu of bail, he hadn't even been found innocent or guilty.  I thought in this society you were innocent until proven guilty, and these were the guards that did this, guess not, your guilty until proven innocent, this makes me so mad, it's not right, and know my son is dead, because he was so scared of being found guilty of something he didn't do.  Makes me hate the judicial system, there is no fairness in it unless you have money to hire a top notch lawyer, which we didn't, and that makes me feel guilty as hell, that I couldn't get him out of there faster than we did.  I don't know what to do, this feeling is awful.  Your supposed to be able to protect your kids, even when they're 33, and I couldn't do that.  What kind of mother am I?  Pretty awful as far as I'm concerned.  I wonder what kind of thanksgiving this girl and her family had, it may sound really awful, but I hope they choked on their turkey.  I want them to suffer and hurt as bad as I am.  Maybe I'm as bad as they are, but it's the truth, I want payback.  I miss my son and I'll never get over that.  This whole thing just plain wasn't right from the very beginning.  But as the old adage goes, "what goes around, comes around", and I can only hope that they get their's in the end.  I love you PJ, and I hope your happy where ever you are.

Replies

RememberKala
RememberKala

PJ must have been in so much emotional pain. We can never truly know what\'s going on in someone else\'s mind. I\'m so sorry for all the pain and unanswered questions you have. Unless a guards life is in danger, I can\'t imagine a legitimate reason for slamming an inmates face into the bars. That is just insane to me. I\'ve fought the need for revenge so hard for the past several years. I get all worked up over it, thinking about how Kala\'s dad abused her, then demanded money! It makes me sick to my stomach. Then, I always hear Kala saying, \"don\'t focus on the hate, focus on the love.....LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS.\" I know she\'s right, but gosh it\'s hard sometimes. I have to believe there is a rhythm to the universe and justice will one day triumph. Love and peace to you, Teri.
KimRW
KimRW

I\'m sorry you are going thru so much pain right now with all the unanswered questions. Don\'t let guilt eat away at you. You did all you could do and the others will have to answer to thier actions one day. They are the ones that should be feeling guilty about how they treated PJ. But like you said...what goes around.....comes around, so they will have that to deal with sooner or later. I\'m sure all this is emotionally draining on you. Try to just remember the good times you had with him as you go thru these holidays. Hugs, Kim
BinkyH
BinkyH

My Michael was 33 years old as well and on the Sexual Offender List, which haunted him. He had only been out of prison for about 4 years after having served 3 years on a whacky charge that not only should have never put him away but should absolutely never put him on that hated, non-effectual list which does way much more harm than good. The Sexual Offender list is now just a huge list of names of people convicted of various crimes and has done little to nothing to stop offenses against children. If anything, it has created offenses against the children of people on this list by the so-called law abiding citizens who put signs in their family home, ostracize them, throw rocks through their windows and will not allow them to even have their parent come to their school for a PTA meeting. Nor allow them to have their parent accompany them for Trick or Treating or have trick or treaters come to their home. I hate the judicial system with a passion. My son went away for 3 years because I did not have the money for a lawyer and he had the worst public defender ever and a visiting retired judge. So I know how you feel. My son and I wanted to move away from here and start a new life, however, due to residency restrictions laws in place in many states, we were limited to places to move to. So he stayed here in Maryland where we do not have strict restrictions and I stayed here because he was here and I would not leave him. Yes, I am bitter. Yes, I suffer from the \"what-if\'s\". I remember my son, my brother and I putting a map on the table and closing our eyes and one of us blindly pointing to a place to go. Then I would go home and look it up on the internet, only to find out that he could not live there. The south is the worst, due to John Walsh\'s influence. Anyway, I will get off my soapbox about this issue which haunted us for so many years and ultimately indirectly lead to my son\'s death. I pray that you find your peace with all that happened. And I pray that I do as well. Love to you, Belinda
PJsmom
PJsmom

Belinda, you are so close to where I am. All the what if\'s. Pj didn\'t do anything wrong, except love these people and this is the way they pay him back. The lies they told about him, just to get him out of the house, as his supposed girlfriend had a new boyfriend, I guess they figured this was a sure way to do it, boy were they right, how much more out of their lives could they get him. It helps knowing that you know exactly how I feel, it\'s just so wrong that people can do this and get away with it. Thanks for being there Belinda, and all of you other ladies, you have to know how much all of you have helped me through this. Love to you all, Bev