Well, it's only a week till Thanksgiving, I suppose that's why I feel such a sense of overwhelming sadness. it's really been awful for the past couple of weeks, noticed I've been taking my adivan more often, I'm not sure if that's good or not, but it does help me get through the day. I so wish Pj could be here to celebrate the holidays, but i don't think there'll be any celebrating these holidays, I just don't feel like it, and my other 2 sons are in Ohio, and that's 10 hrs away. So it's going to be just another day. My mind seems to keep going back to when PJ hanged himself, and all I keep seeing in my minds eye are the tips of his sneakers swinging, I wasn't there, but his fiancee who found him told me that's all you could see. I also found out that the EMT's think that he may have tried to stop the hanging, because his foot was caught in the chair that he had stood on, I don't know what to make of this, was he trying to stop it or did the chair just get caught on his foot when he pushed it away? Was he having second thoughts about doing this, I just can't comprehend why he would do this and then change his mind, and end up dying anyway. You can see what a mess my mind is, sometimes I think I'm losing it. I don't seem to be able to stop thinking about PJ, it's always there, never goes away. God, I never thought this would happen, he was such a strong minded man, I didn't think there wasn't anything he couldn't handle, obviously I was wrong. I miss him so damn much.
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please, please, dear lady, rely on your medication if you need too. this is a time of year when we really have to. i have increased my depression medication back to the full dose. i cut it in half, but my son\'s 1st year anniversary of his death and birthday 10 days before that just put me over the edge in oct. i rely on this and dont apologize to anyone for it. your grief is so new and raw sweetie. please be gentle with yourself. thinking of you. love, donna
I personally think, though tormenting, it is normal that we visualize the scene. For quite some time, I dwelled on the accident scene when Chad was killed. With all the help, both professional and non, I don\'t do it as often. I think that has helped with the healing.
Since losing my first son, December 30th, 1975, Christmas is very difficult for me. Now, it is even worse. Chad so loved Christmas. He knew I didn\'t want to decorate, but he encouraged and helped me. His help made it a little easier. When he moved out on his own, I gave him all our Christmas decorations. When I cleaned out his apartment, I didn\'t find any of it. I guess he had it stored at a friends that knew I would not want any of it back.
I wish you could be with your other children during this time.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, friend.
Hugs, Barbara
I have gone \"there\" before...many times. It is normal...but I do not know if it is good or bad. I just know it is hard. It is two and one half years today for Alex. It is hard. I will not think of that day any more today...love and hugs...Karen
When the thoughts of the day my son died come into my mind, I try so hard to replace them with thought of other happy times. It does help me some. I hope you find some comfort and peace my friend. Hugs, Kim
Thank you all again, you have such insight to what I\'m feeling and going through. I don\'t seem to be able to push these thoughts of PJ out of my head, no matter how hard I try, and God knows I\'ve tried, but they\'re always there. Don\'t know how I\'ll do during these holidays, maybe just lock myself in my room, sounds like a good idea, then i don\'t have to deal with any of this, wish it were that easy. You guys are the best, what I\'d do without all of you, I don\'t know. Love to all, Bev
Bev, I do it too! My son, Michael, died of a drug overdose on a bathroom floor. And like you, I did not find him but his friend described it to me. With the exception of my own bathroom, I cannot go into one without the visual thing going on in my mind. The EMT\'s in my son\'s case tried to do everything to save him but he was dead in the ambulance. I don\'t do meds at this point but I do put myself to sleep with the help of Seagrams Seven. I am not sure what is the worst poison. All I can tell you is that this group has been my strength, my support, my friends and is the place that I come to when I feel like no one else could possibly understand. Love to you, Belinda
There are so many triggers for sending us into the pit, and the holidays seem to do it for all of us. I\'m sorry your other children are so far away. I too often thought of the accident scene. Tormenting myself in the beginning imagining the horror, the pain, the fear, Kala must have experienced. I\'ve been blessed by three people telling me Kala did not suffer. The first was the coroner. The second was when a friends daughter had a visitation from Kala during a dream, and the third was through a conversation I had with a medium. I have been able to let those thoughts go for the most part. It\'s just natural for a mother to want to protect her child and keep them safe from harm. We ache when they skin their knee\'s....burying them leaves us devastated. I know how much you miss PJ and how heartbroken you are. You are not alone my friend. We will survive this together. Take care of yourself in any way necessary. Much love, Teri