Well, it's only a week till Thanksgiving, I suppose that's why I feel such a sense of overwhelming sadness.  it's really been awful for the past couple of weeks, noticed I've been taking my adivan more often, I'm not sure if that's good or not, but it does help me get through the day.  I so wish Pj could be here to celebrate the holidays, but i don't think there'll be any celebrating these holidays, I just don't feel like it, and my other 2 sons are in Ohio, and that's 10 hrs away.  So it's going to be just another day.  My mind seems to keep going back to when PJ hanged himself, and all I keep seeing in my minds eye are the tips of his sneakers swinging, I wasn't there, but his fiancee who found him told me that's all you could see.  I also found out that the EMT's think that he may have tried to stop the hanging, because his foot was caught in the chair that he had stood on, I don't know what to make of this, was he trying to stop it or did the chair just get caught on his foot when he pushed it away?  Was he having second thoughts about doing this, I just can't comprehend why he would do this and then change his mind, and end up dying anyway.  You can see what a mess my mind is, sometimes I think I'm losing it.  I don't seem to be able to stop thinking about PJ, it's always there, never goes away.  God, I never thought this would happen, he was such a strong minded man, I didn't think there wasn't anything he couldn't handle, obviously I was wrong.  I miss him so damn much.