I'm so sorry for the previous entry, God, I was in a real funk that day.  it just seems so pointless at times, like it's just not worth the effort to go on.  As much as I love PJ, it wouldn't be fair to my other 2 sons to do anything that would hurt them.  I just get so tired of the constant pain, I want it to stop.  it's only been 5 months since PJ took his life, and I'm still having an exteremely hard time excepting the fact that he did that, I always thought he had a strong will to live, and that he could beat the odds stacked against him.  There are times when I get so mad at him for doing this, then I feel guilty for feeling that way, when I look at what he was going through, I think to myself, what would have I done if it had been me going through that, maybe the same thing, I suppose.  All I do for sure, is that I miss him so damn much, it seems like that's the only feeling I have lately.  People ask me how I'm doing, and of course I lie and tell them ok, I don't want to burden them with my sorrow.  It seems all I want to do is talk about PJ, and to be honest I think people are getting tired of hearing about him, so now I just don't talk about him, I'm keeping my feelings locked up inside me and hold those close.  I also spoke to the DA and she was really a very nice woman, but she told me that because PJ was deceased now, that the case had been closed, but that DSS was now involved with the family, because, this wasn't the first time this girl had done this.  But on the up side she also told me that there was no evidence at all that he done to her what she said he did, and that he would have been found innocent if he could have held out alittle longer.  In some ways that makes me feel better, then in some ways it makes me mad as hell, that my son took his life because of a lie.  it just isn't fair.  I'm trying really hard to get back to being normal, but I don't know what that is anymore, this is the biggest nightmare of my life, wish I'd wake up.  Again friends, I'm so sorry for the awful entry previously, but that's the way I feel at times, like it would be so much easier for all this to just end, I'm just really tired.