You know, I thought as time went on this road would get alittle easier, it's so hard to believe that PJ's been gone for only 4 months.  I look at his pictures everyday, and wonder how he came to this point.  He didn't have a bad life, we did the best we could for him, why did he have to meet these people that did this to him?  What led him to them, and when he told me he wasn't happy, why did he stay.  I just don't understand anymore.  My mind just isn't there anymore, I get so confused and forget everything.  If he had listened to me and left, he'd still be here.  I hate having to put on this fake face everyday, so people think your ok, when inside you just feel this incedible pain that refuses to go away.  What am I going to do, I'm not sure I really want to find out.  It's like every minute of every day is spent thinking about PJ, things he'd said or done or won't ever be able to do.  I do try to go on, but it's like for every step you take forward, you get knocked back 3, and I so hate having to act like I'm the strong one, when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and just go away.  I feel so selfish sometimes, always wanting what you can't have.  If there is a God, why did he let this happen?  Pj was a good person, he'd do anything for anyone, so why did this happen to him?  I guess I just have alot of why's lately and there's no answers.  I miss him so much, I miss my goob.  I love you PJ.