Hello my friends, Well, I made it through PJ's birthday, God it was awful, seems like all I did was cry.  I don't think the grief is going away, I think I'm just learning to hide it better, isn't that awful.  I don't want to burden my friends my talking about PJ all the time, I imagine that they get tired of hearing it, bacause that's all I want to talk about, like maybe if I talk about him , it's like he's not gone.  I do have one friend who isn't afraid to ask me any question about PJ or how he died, the other day she said this may sound gross or whatever, but is it worse the way PJ died or if he had died of natural causes, of course the way he died was harder, but I think that's a sign of a friend who really cares and wants to know your feelings, she's a good friend.  So, I'm at the point where I don't talk  about him as much and just go about my business, people seem to think that just because it's been 13 weeks, that I should be over it!!  I wish they could walk in my shoes for just one day and then see what they'd say!  I miss him so much every single day, and my heart hurts so much.  I was talking to my mother the other night, she passed in 87, and I asked her if I was being punished for something that I had done during my life, and clear as a bell, I heard in my head her telling me "NO", it is just life Bevie, things that we have to deal with everyday, Mom was very cool, always had a cliche' for everything!  So, I know PJ is ok and that Mom and everyone is with him, I just wish I was too.  Or maybe I'm just hearing things in my head that I want to hear, who knows, but this life I've been dealt at the moment really sucks.