Well, it's been awhile since I've been here.  It's been pretty hectic since the 4th of July.  We went to my in laws for the holiday and I fainted!!  So they call 911 and off to the hosp. I go.  They found I had an abnormal EKG and wanted to admit me, of course me being me, I said no way.  I went to my regular dr. that Monday and he did another EKG and that was abnormal too, and the blood pressure is still high.  He had me do an echocardiogram, which came back normal, if everyone had listened to me, I could've told them it was a broken heart.  How can you lose a child and not have a broken heart.  One of the moms said that when she goes out she puts on her fake face, smiles when she knows she supposed to, and acts normal in gerneral, that's exactly how I feel.  You can be yourself with your real friends, but some of those who claim to be your real friends, can be real jerks!  I had someone who I considered a very good friend, say to me the other day when I was talking about PJ, "Jesus Christ, when are you going to get over this!"  OMG, was I ever pissed off, I couldn't believe this person would say something like this to me, so I think I need to reevaluate my friendship with him.  I mean how do you get over the loss of a child, especially the way PJ died.  Pj's birthday is coming up in August and I think this is throwing me for a loop, a really big one, seeing as how his birthday is one day before the 3 month anniversary of his suicide, I don't know if anniversary is the right word, but you know what I mean.  Sometimes it seems like forever, and others seems like just yesterday.  I just want to be normal again.  I wake up crying sometimes, and that really sets the mood for the day, not good.  I keep saying I just want my PJ back, and I know that's not going to happen, but if I had one wish, that's what I'd wish for.  I miss him so much, it's actually a physical pain.  I want it to go away.