Well, it's been awhile since I've been here. It's been pretty hectic since the 4th of July. We went to my in laws for the holiday and I fainted!! So they call 911 and off to the hosp. I go. They found I had an abnormal EKG and wanted to admit me, of course me being me, I said no way. I went to my regular dr. that Monday and he did another EKG and that was abnormal too, and the blood pressure is still high. He had me do an echocardiogram, which came back normal, if everyone had listened to me, I could've told them it was a broken heart. How can you lose a child and not have a broken heart. One of the moms said that when she goes out she puts on her fake face, smiles when she knows she supposed to, and acts normal in gerneral, that's exactly how I feel. You can be yourself with your real friends, but some of those who claim to be your real friends, can be real jerks! I had someone who I considered a very good friend, say to me the other day when I was talking about PJ, "Jesus Christ, when are you going to get over this!" OMG, was I ever pissed off, I couldn't believe this person would say something like this to me, so I think I need to reevaluate my friendship with him. I mean how do you get over the loss of a child, especially the way PJ died. Pj's birthday is coming up in August and I think this is throwing me for a loop, a really big one, seeing as how his birthday is one day before the 3 month anniversary of his suicide, I don't know if anniversary is the right word, but you know what I mean. Sometimes it seems like forever, and others seems like just yesterday. I just want to be normal again. I wake up crying sometimes, and that really sets the mood for the day, not good. I keep saying I just want my PJ back, and I know that's not going to happen, but if I had one wish, that's what I'd wish for. I miss him so much, it's actually a physical pain. I want it to go away.
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Oh honey...I wish it could just go away. How many times I have wished the same thing... But your loss is so recent...that pain is still so raw...I remember it and when I do...I can re-feel it...it is horrible. I cannot remember how long it takes for that raw pain to turn to pain and loss...but it will. BTW there will be other people that will not \"get it\"...but you can calmly educate them on how this works...it could create a wonderful relationship with that person. Tell them how much you would love to just get over it...but it is a journey...with many ups and downs. There will be times when you feel better and then suddenly you feel you are right back where you started...but eventually the lows are not as low and the lows are not as frequent. You can do this, even if there are days you would prefer to just die...you won\'t...for there has been enough pain already and people need you and so you will go on. Take care of yourself and your broken heart...love to you friend...Karen
It\'s good to hear from you, but I wish you weren\'t in so much pain. Sometimes I think even the medical experts underestimate the physical effect that this terrible grief can have on our bodies. My heart sunk when I read about what your friend had said. This journey is so hard and we expect our friends to understand, but often they don\'t. I was reading a book last week about a mother whose daughter had died of breast cancer, she said that, \"you never recover from losing a child, it is more like learning to live with a disability.\" That made so much sense to me. Karen is right, your pain is so raw, that\'s not to say it will ever disappear, but you will learn how to handle the pain and the things other people say or expect of you. You will \"learn to live with this disability.\" This site has been my saviour because I know that people here do understand even when those closest to me don\'t. Even my mother said at Christmas time (my first without FJ) that it was ok to be upset then but if I was still upset next year she\'d be worried! I can\'t imagine ever really enjoying a Christmas ever again without my \'baby boy\'. Take care of you, do what you need to do to get through each day. My thoughts and love come to you across the world via cyberspace! Big hugs, Charlotte.
Hang in here with us, mom of PJ! I am only 8 months into my journey and was so very raw in my early stages, as you are. It is strange to me to be giving comfort to someone so new such as yourself when this was just so recently so \"raw\" to me. Honey, it is very raw to me now but not as bad. Please, stay with us and talk. I am here, so are many others. Love, Belinda
Hey PJ\'s Mom, sometimes people say the stupidest things. Julia has been gone 3 years and I think of her everyday, somedays I can think of her and remember the silly or funny things somedays just the conversations we would have. Then there are other days when it all floods in and it feels like it was today. I don\'t know how but somehow we do start to live again, slowly we still have heartache and pain so you just take care of yourself and ignore insensitive people. Sometimes I don\'t think people realize what they say and how it sounds, but I have learned to just smile at them and think to myself..what a ...........you can fill in the blank. Sending love and prayers your way.
Denice
Thanks to all of you, you have been my angels on this journey through hell, don\'t know what I would do without all of you to listen and not judge. My love to all of you,
Bev