It's been 20 days now since PJ committed suicide, it's bad enough to lose a child, but this suicide thing is killing me. I know he must have had his reasons, this isn't something he would have done if he was in his right frame of mind.I don't know how I'm going to get through this, the not knowing, if only he had called me, just maybe he'd still be here, maybe I could have said something to make a difference. My chest hurts all the time, my mind is not where it should be, I forget everything, this is not right. I walk around and do all the things I'm supposed, but inside all I feel is this god awful pain. If it weren't for my other 2 sons, and my husband, I'd be lost, I know they worry, but I don't know how to make it better. Well, tomorrows another day, maybe the pain will be just a tiny bit better, but I doubt it.
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I wish I could say the pain will go away, but it doesn\'t. We just learn to live a new life with moments of less pain. My son died one year ago. All we can do is pull together, DS has brought me a great deal of comfort. I hope we can all be of some support to you in this terrifying journey. Everytime you think you are going crazy, write a journal and you will see that you are not all alone. Love Charlotte.
I remember the early days...I remember being suprised that sorrow actually caused physical pain. The physical pain will eventually lessen and then stop, the sorrow will become sadness. You will learn to incorporate this horrific loss into your life. It is a long journey. It is best to have low expectations to what you can accomplish...so be gentle to yourself. You are living a nightmare and doing only what is necessary is all you should try to do. Before you know it the days will turn into months and then years and somewhere along the way you will not think about your precious son every minute of everyday and that is when you will think, maybe I can make it. Then, you will ache for your son and struggle periodically. You will learn to focus your attention on your husband and your living children...you can do this...it seems impossible now...but you can do it. Keep writing your journals and rest when you can. Your memory will return. Love and peace to you...Karen