It's been 20 days now since PJ committed suicide, it's bad enough to lose a child, but this suicide thing is killing me.  I know he must have had his reasons, this isn't something he would have done if he was in his right frame of mind.I don't know how I'm going to get through this, the not knowing, if only he had called me, just maybe he'd still be here, maybe I could have said something to make a difference.  My chest hurts all the time, my mind is not where it should be, I forget everything, this is not right.  I walk around and do all the things I'm supposed, but inside all I feel is this god awful pain.  If it weren't for my other 2 sons, and my husband, I'd be lost, I know they worry, but I don't know how to make it better.  Well, tomorrows another day, maybe the pain will be just a tiny bit better, but I doubt it.