So I have been thinking:  I feel at least as nutty as I did when I first walked into my pdoc's office, and a little more so lately I think.  So the obvious question is am I really getting help or just a bunch of drugs?  Initially I want to say that I have survived the last 14 years without medication and without feeling suicidal very often.  Now I am suicidal a lot and surviving is a struggle.   The thing is though, it hasn't been all roses for me.  I have sought out couseling every few years in there and been tragicly numb through things that should have been exciting for me.  I survived by making myself numb to how I felt about everything.   Now that I'm trying to think about how I feel, I feel all of these emotions and I can't filter them out.  I'm what I imagine is like a deaf person who can hear for the first time in a long time.  All of the sounds flood in and you can't make sense of any of them.  Does any of this make any sense?  I just don't know for sure  that a balance of where I was and where I am now might be good.  Becuase I only know how to cope by being numb, and since the drugs knock me out but don't numb me outI have to find that detached place again.  This is necessary just to survive this move.