Felt good yesterday, man did I feel ok.  Played catch with my youngest and made a couple great meals for my boys; I love cooking for them.  Today started out rough as I dreamt of Carrie all night, and I realized this morning I sent out 1/2 my resumes with the wrong phone #.   But then I went outside and its so sunny out. I feel better now.   Im not talking to the ex except about the kids. That makes me feel better. I dont like pretending to be friends with her in person or on the phone. I really dont like her right now. I have a lot of anger and hate.  Not enough to eat me up, just enough to give me strength.   Its going to be a long long time for me to fogive her, if ever.   I just realize how weak she is.  This thing with this guy, it isnt about love or himing being so great; its about her not wanting, or being able to spend a single day alone, or single.  That is a lack of courage.  I realize now, no matter how smart she is, or how great her job is, she is still a little girl inside.  She is not all powerful and tough like the front she puts on to people.   I may not have the great job, and people may not think im the greatest thing since sliced bread like her, but I can be alone.  I am strong enough to overcome even this.  Bad knee, no job, no money, divorce, apartment, bad car..... Doesnt matter.  If she was in my shoes she would crawl into a ball and fail to live.  She would need to move home with mommy.   I am better than that. Now I just need to find a fricking job.  I would advance so much right now emotionally if I didnt have the constant worry about bills and money.   I dont need a lot of cash to be happy.  I know that now. Just enough to pay the bills and have enough freedom to do some things once in a while.  I am looking at the Electroneurodiagnostic (END) technology program at my local tech school. If I can get into that by summer of 2009, I will be fricking set for life man.  It would be the perfect situation.  One - its a job I would enjoy, and I could be part of helping people.  Two - it pays good and the job market is blowing up.  Three - its an Associate degree so when im done I can get my Bachelors part time!!!   Everything I want for my future.   I have to keep my fingers crossed that there isnt a 4 year waitlist.  I should find out today.