Horrible anxiety and sadness today.  If I didnt have my kids I would probably just take my bottle of sleeping pills and be done with this whole fricking mess; im that sad and sick to my stomach.Im at that stage now where I want to beg her back. I want to tell her how different things can be and see if I can reach her.   Knowing she is in Ohio for work, what that guy, all week, staying in the same hotel; geezus its almost too much to handle.I guess I am lucky that my kids are here all week. That will keep me from doing anything stupid.  I better get my head on straight before next week when they are with her on monday and tuesday, or who knows what may happen.I dont want to be single. I dont want to be divorced. I dont want to be a part time parent.  Screw all of that.    Why didnt I wake up and make the changes I needed to make when I still had her love?  WTF is wrong with me that I always realize shit after ive already messed it up?   I told myself I wouldnt do that again, and yet I did.   Lord just let me go back in time 6 months and kick myself in the ass please, please please?Man I sound pathetic.  Like she is going to take me back when im a quivering, whiny, crying little baby and not a man at all right now.   Why am I even thinking about that?  A part of me deep down knows this is whats best anyways, I think.  We were never much of a couple.  We were great at playing house and making everyone think we were the perfect couple, but we werent very good at being each others lovers and partners.I have to find some way to let go of the guilt.  I have to find some way to get over the fact some other guy is screwing my wife.  I have to find some way to think optimistically about my future.  And I have to do it sooner than later; im not strong enough to feel this way for a year or longer...i wont make it.