Weekend sucked.  Well it was good and bad.   Friday night was fun, I went out with my family and left the boys at the cabin (it was late they just went to bed), and had a good time shooting pool and hanging out. But saturday, the weather turned bitterly cold.  Weather fronts have always effected my mood. Its a problem with my damn brain.  The anxiety was so bad. I was so damn sad.  I did my best to put on a good face for my kids all day; but I hurt so bad inside.    All around me were the reminders of what I had lost.  Pictures of me and Carrie.  Pictures of me smiling holding up a fish.   My relatives who are all still married, some 30+ years.   Me all alone. Then I saw a Derek Jeter commercial, the baseball player; and I was overwhelmed with a sense of self loathing.  He is a young multi-millionaire, he walks tall, and is a man.  What the hell am I?  I am 36, I am living in an apartment; my wife is with another man because I dont make her feel financially secure and she is sick of my seasonal mood changes.  I have no career, no college degree.    What the hell have I done with my life? Without my family I am a ffing nobody. Saturday night I texted my stbx to tell her how much I still loved her and missed her.  A pathetic display by me that did nothing to make me feel better. Today I dont feel much better.  The anxiety isnt as bad as yesterday, but the sadness is acute. I feel like crying at any moment; but im afraid that if I do the pain and sadness will be so overwhelming that I may not recover, or I may do something stupid. I have asked my stbx to come over to dinner tomorrow and watch a movie with me.  I am telling myself that having her over will make me feel better.  She agreed to come over.  I am probably making things worse for myself.   But she is the only person here I know.   Its like a damn horror story.  The one person who is causing me so much pain, is also the only person I have to turn to with my hurt.    Christ what a nightmare.  I think some of the shock is now wearing off.  I am starting to remember a lot of the things we shared, and the thoughts  are like daggers to my heart.  I am starting to think about her and him together, about him touching her, about him being inside her; and I think I might go crazy, or die from the pain the thoughts bring me.   I wish I could stay angry or in shock instead of dealing with the reality as it crashes in on me.   Honestly im not sure how I will make it through this week.