Well I guess I made up my mind. At least for now.  I didnt talk to my stbx all day, though she called several times, and I didnt email her except a very impersonal email asking her my "budget" for groceries today.       But then she called my oldests boys cell phone after he came home from school and told him to give it to me.  LOL! Well there really is no getting away is there?  So I took the call.  She was upset. She said she was sick and couldnt sleep last night (her first REAL night alone) and she wanted to come over and have dinner with us.     I sat quiet for some time.  Finally after some urging I just said "ok".      What can I do? Seeing her soothes me, at least while she is here.  Plus the Doctor told me I had lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks (he was a bit concerned) and I had actually looked in the mirror for real and saw my old self somewhere in that skinnier face.   I wanted her to see me walking a little taller.        We had dinner and talked.  She asked why I was mad at her and I told her I was having trouble getting over her seeing the "other guy" while we were seperating.  She apologized again and told me it was "over" again.  She gave me an ultimatum of sorts I guess, or called my bluff.  She told me "If you need to not be friends for a while, till you sort this out, we can stop talking except for the stuff about the kids."        Then it hit me, like a stone wall.  I do want to be mad at her. I do want to punish her.  BUT without her friendship right now, here in this town, I am completely and utterly alone.     It also dawned on me from her tone that she would be perfectly OK with not talking to me except about the kids.  It would almost certainly drive her back into that "other" guys arms.   So who would it hurt, me being mad and not talking to her?   Only me.             So screw it. Until something causes me to change my mind (always a possibility with my emotions right now), I am going to be friends with her.   The more we are apart the more I realize we shouldnt be married anyways.  I miss her, and I miss our life together; but I dont miss our marriage that much.  She is closed off emotionally, she always has been.  She is not into touching and feeling, and the types of affection I need to be happy; she never has been.  I am the biggest reason for this marriage failing, no doubt, but would I have been happy anyways, if I hadnt had all my problems?  Were my problems a large result of my unhappiness??  Theres a good question!  Havent I been a better Dad to my boys since being on my own??   Im finding some of the answers to these questions are yes yes and yes.           Divorce sucks.  This whole thing sucks. I dont want to do this. Im not sure I have the strength to do it.  But it is the right thing, I think, for both of us, and our kids.    At least I believe that right now.  I hope that feeling sticks and I dont change my mind after some of the shock of all this wears off.        Anyways im having lunch with Carrie today, mostly just because we have to exchange the kids bags anyways.   Then later this afternoon im going to Green Bay to hang with my family and friends.  My first weekend as a free man ( well semi-free), we shall see how it goes.