Very very very sad today. Hard to breathe again. Feels just like the day after Carrie told me it was over.Tomorrow I move out of our house. My dream is dead. The great wife and kids, the nice home, the nice truck, the little piece of American Pie. All gone. Now its just me and my 2 bedroom apartment. I will need to be strong when the kids come to be with me, im not sure how I will cope.Tonight we are gonna tell Collin about the divorce and show him Daddys place. My stbx has asked me not to cry in front of him, but how do I do that when I am a second from crying right now and he is not even in front of me?Somehow I have to forgive myself for the way I am, the way I have been for years. I have been selfish and used Carrie for everything she was worth. Now that she is done letting me use her, I am regretfull and sorry and wanting to change; again I am being selfish. I just wish that deep down ache of pain and fatigue would go away. I feel like I could actually die from my heart hearting so much.
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The anxiety attacks that you are experiencing are normal and completely understandable right now for you. Make sure you keep taking deep breaths and form a picture of something beautiful and wonderful in your mind that you can focus on as the attack lessens it\'s grip on you. I\'ve suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my adult life.......the attacks are still scary and crushing........remember, one deep breath at a time.......it will get better. I too had to pretend that I was okay with this whole \"divorce situation\" when we told our boys.....I did it for them and that\'s all I focused on......amazingly at that moment I did not shed one miserable heart-wrenching tear.......I just kept telling myself to be strong for them, they are what matters. Please, please forgive yourself, as we all make mistakes and poor choices.......that\'s why we are called human. Every day is one day closer to the ache lessening.......find one thing each day that you are thankful for and it will pull you through. Four months ago I was right where you are now, and though I never believed it then, it does get better little by little. It never stops hurting, but the hurt lessens and you learn to find joy in the simple things. Hang in there! Hugs, Jeanne