Monday Carrie asked me for a separation. I am devastated. Have tried everything to get her to change her mind but it doesn't matter. She has so much anger towards me. She tells me she still loves me, I want to believe her but im not sure. She also swears there is no other guy, either physically or mentally, I want to believe that too; but again I wonder. Monday/Tuesday/Wedsenday my heart hurt so bad I literally thought I might die. It felt exactly the way it did when Ally left. Today I feel a bit better, mostly because I am on a combination of 3 drugs. I want to get angry and blame Carrie more, try to guilt her into changing her mind; I have people telling me not to let her push me around and telling me I need to be strong and let her go. But truth is I am to fault for 90% of this. Now how much of that fault is due to my problems with alcohol, food, depression, and how much of that fault is due to me inside really just not wanting to be married, or not wanting to be with Carrie? I dont know. I know I do love her very much. I know I want us to be a "happy and normal" family. But can we be those even with me clean and sober, and on my feet? Im trying to think how im going to find the strength to get myself fixed, do what is right, and be able to do that without Carries love or support. At least she hasnt just plain old told me its over yet. I have to have strength and believe there is a chance. I was always good at sweeping girls off their feet, I can do that to Carrie again.