Tired

The nightmares just don't go away, the bad feelings in the morning just isn't the right way to start the day, i send my husband to the couch because i'm kicking and shaking the bed so much, and the guilt that comes with that is almost too much some days.  I am trying so hard to be a good wife, and just a good person, but my fear anger and negativity is controlling my life, for the first time in my life i have feelings that i haven't had to deal with, if it wasn't cutting it was drinking and having sex.  I would control those emotions, and now it seems like i have no way of dealing with that stuff and just take medication to try and get me through the day so i don't go back to drinking and cutting myself, which seems much easier.  But of course i know better, and it kills me.   I have the most amazing life right now, I live in the most beautiful place right on the coast of Pacific ocean, I am married to an amazing man.  But because a co worker at my job decided it would be funny to close the door on a walk in freezer, turn out the lights and hold the door shut, took my life away, who knew that a stupid practical joke, would throw me in to a deep dark circle of hell for 1.5 years. Now my amazing life seems hellish, my husband hurt his back on the job just a couple of months before that so he's on strong pain control medication, and it was stressful.  And now my emotional state its so screwed up, he doesn't know how to deal with me, so he just rather over look my attitude and emotions.  I am sad and lonely and I want life to be the way it use to but i know that's impossible i just have to keep working with my therapist to make things better.  I wonder how long that will be......