9 MONTHS
Wow! (sigh) 9 Months Already. I was pregnant for 9 months and it didn't go this fast, at least it didn't seem like it. Nothing new to report. Still sad. Still heartbroken. Still cry everyday. Well thats not true, there is something new, I have gained almost 60 lbs since losing her. I didn't even know it was happening. Ugh, So disgusted with myself!!! I swear I can gain a pound from looking at McDonalds as I drive by so now I have told myself that I have to lose this 60lbs before we can even try again. Maybe that will give me the willpower, because all I think about is having another baby to fill this pain in my heart. Another new thing is my temper, and having anger, I feel like everything and anything can annoy me so easily. I wasn't this way before. I feel anger towards Addy, and then I feel guilty. Why can't she just be here, she should be babbling baby talk, crawling everywhere, getting teeth, clapping and just being so dang cute. Well hopefully on her angel date, May 25, I will have some good news and be down at least 40-50lbs.
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At least someone understands how I feel..
I hear you sweet friend. I remember writing almost the same thing at nine months.....\"I carried you for nine months, and now you\'ve been gone for nine months\"....it was SO hard. I also understand the anger and being so easily annoyed with everything and everyone. For me I had to release that negative energy....screaming in the shower, in my car, and in the woods seemed to help the most. Breaking dishes is also a great release....of course then you have a mess to clean up, but sometimes even that is good therapy! I also wrote everything I was feeling in my journals, as you are doing. Knowing I was being truly heard and understood helped so much. I learned not to minimize my pain or my anger....it was and is real and must be dealt with honestly and openly.
YES, Addy should be here!! YES, she should be doing and learning all the amazing, magical things little ones learn in their first year on earth! YES, losing her is excruciating pain and horror. And yes, it\'s even \"normal\" to feel anger towards our precious innocent babies (my baby was 17, but still my baby).....and yes, guilt plays a big role as we learn to walk through this mess which is now our lives as we stumble around until we eventually find our footing and can walk upright again. And even the weight gain (or loss for some) is normal. I too gained a lot of weight....40lbs the first year after Kala\'s accident. I\'m just now, finally, ready and able to focus on (and to even care about) losing it. I joined Weight Watchers and am down 23lbs so far. It\'s slow, but it\'s working, and I\'m feeling better about myself.
You will find your way through this pain sweetie, I promise. Just remember there are no time tables and the best we can do in any given moment is good enough.
Tight, tight hugs and lots of love~~Teri