9/5/2013
Not a bad day. Not feeling well. Nothing in particular wrong, just don't feel good. Probably allergies/sinus. Ran errands during lunch singing "I don't feel good. uh-uh, uh-huh. I don't feel good" hahaha
Finally got off work. Went to the store to get some "I don't feel good" food. This time it was cereal, bagels, oatmeal, and milk. Waved to someone I knew. Thought "I need to remember to tell mom I saw so and so"....BAM! Almost 4 years since she died and I still forget sometimes. Went home crying for the second day in a row, which really sucks. Really up and down a lot the last few days. maybe cause I am not feeling 100%.
Funny thing, when I don't feel good, I start whining to myself "I don't feel good. I want my mommy." What's funny about it? If she was here, she would roll her eyes and tell me to quit being melodramatic and acting like a baby. Yeah, she didn't have much patience when it came to me whining.
So. My brother is getting married in May. A destination wedding. It's going to be great. Finally get family together for a happy time after all the sadness of the last few years. Looking forward to the fun, seeing family, etc. Love her to death. not all that crazy about him usually, but love her to death. Looking forward to it! Really dreading it. It hurts a bit because my parents won't be there. You see, he will be 54 at the time and he's never been married. Nothing wrong with him: he's smart, attractive, successful, funny, etc. Just had never worked out before. We never thought he'd marry (except for my sister who says SHE always knew he would. yes I am rolling my eyes.). So, there's that.
Plus, I have a really hard time when it comes to being around/meeting a lot of people I don't know. I feel like I shrink and turn invisible-which is how I got through high school. I'm not going to know many of these people. And it will be loud and boisterous, etc which also sends me in to anxiety (something I didn't realize until relatively recently). This is going to be a 2-3 day thing. Talked to my therapist about it and she said when the anxiety gets to me, go for a walk or something . come back to the party when I feel better. or run errands to town for stuff we might need. O.K. That helps.
But today I ran in to bump #3. I was looking at stuff for the wedding and for the first time started having flashbacks to my own. When my baby brother got married many years ago, one of my uncles fell apart because his marriage of 20+ years had recently ended. I'm sooo looking forward to having the same problem. But there will be lots of booze so..maybe that will help. And I feel badly about feeling this way because it's all me. me. me. me. And the wedding isn't about me. And I don't want to be a bump on the log or have a melt down or say/do anything that will spoil it. And I can't even talk to my sister about this because it sounds so self centered and all... and my sibs think I'm a flake anyway. well, yeah I am but in a good way not the way they think. See, there I go again...me. me. me. UGH. hey, you know that movie with Debra Messing where she hires a male escort to go with her to her sister's wedding? I wonder if he's available! Hopefully I will have a handle on all these bumps before the wedding. Or else lots of drugs. and alcohol.
So, that's my mega whine for the day. Gonna take a whole lotsa cheese to soak up all this whine. But, tomorrow is Friday, payday, and I only work a halfday. Saturday is the first home football game. My dog is sitting in my lap cutting her eyes at me. Every now and then she gets up to give me kisses. I loves her lots. So onward and upward. you know, I have so many friends who are really suffering right now. Some with serious physical ailments of their own. Some with worried about family who have very serious physical ailments. Just very very hard times for so many people I know. Humbles me. And puts my trivial anxieties in to perspective.
Finally got off work. Went to the store to get some "I don't feel good" food. This time it was cereal, bagels, oatmeal, and milk. Waved to someone I knew. Thought "I need to remember to tell mom I saw so and so"....BAM! Almost 4 years since she died and I still forget sometimes. Went home crying for the second day in a row, which really sucks. Really up and down a lot the last few days. maybe cause I am not feeling 100%.
Funny thing, when I don't feel good, I start whining to myself "I don't feel good. I want my mommy." What's funny about it? If she was here, she would roll her eyes and tell me to quit being melodramatic and acting like a baby. Yeah, she didn't have much patience when it came to me whining.
So. My brother is getting married in May. A destination wedding. It's going to be great. Finally get family together for a happy time after all the sadness of the last few years. Looking forward to the fun, seeing family, etc. Love her to death. not all that crazy about him usually, but love her to death. Looking forward to it! Really dreading it. It hurts a bit because my parents won't be there. You see, he will be 54 at the time and he's never been married. Nothing wrong with him: he's smart, attractive, successful, funny, etc. Just had never worked out before. We never thought he'd marry (except for my sister who says SHE always knew he would. yes I am rolling my eyes.). So, there's that.
Plus, I have a really hard time when it comes to being around/meeting a lot of people I don't know. I feel like I shrink and turn invisible-which is how I got through high school. I'm not going to know many of these people. And it will be loud and boisterous, etc which also sends me in to anxiety (something I didn't realize until relatively recently). This is going to be a 2-3 day thing. Talked to my therapist about it and she said when the anxiety gets to me, go for a walk or something . come back to the party when I feel better. or run errands to town for stuff we might need. O.K. That helps.
But today I ran in to bump #3. I was looking at stuff for the wedding and for the first time started having flashbacks to my own. When my baby brother got married many years ago, one of my uncles fell apart because his marriage of 20+ years had recently ended. I'm sooo looking forward to having the same problem. But there will be lots of booze so..maybe that will help. And I feel badly about feeling this way because it's all me. me. me. me. And the wedding isn't about me. And I don't want to be a bump on the log or have a melt down or say/do anything that will spoil it. And I can't even talk to my sister about this because it sounds so self centered and all... and my sibs think I'm a flake anyway. well, yeah I am but in a good way not the way they think. See, there I go again...me. me. me. UGH. hey, you know that movie with Debra Messing where she hires a male escort to go with her to her sister's wedding? I wonder if he's available! Hopefully I will have a handle on all these bumps before the wedding. Or else lots of drugs. and alcohol.
So, that's my mega whine for the day. Gonna take a whole lotsa cheese to soak up all this whine. But, tomorrow is Friday, payday, and I only work a halfday. Saturday is the first home football game. My dog is sitting in my lap cutting her eyes at me. Every now and then she gets up to give me kisses. I loves her lots. So onward and upward. you know, I have so many friends who are really suffering right now. Some with serious physical ailments of their own. Some with worried about family who have very serious physical ailments. Just very very hard times for so many people I know. Humbles me. And puts my trivial anxieties in to perspective.
Replies
I still think of my dad and he\'s been gone since 83. I think most about how he would handle a problem. Yes, sometimes I talk to him. It\'s a good thing I live in the boonies when I do this. My dad will always be in my heart and thoughts just like your mother is in yours.
Are you an introvert? I hid out all thru high school. I did my best to be invisible so I could get thru school. I feel the same way about large gatherings and walking into a room full of strangers. I know I\'m an introvert.
The heat and humidity is getting me right now. Sept and finally the days are hot and humid. La can be a bit like that too so maybe that is pulling you down. If you\'re feeling weepy at the wedding watch what you drink. Alcohol tends to make those weepy feelings a lot worse than they really are.
This was a really nice journal and I enjoyed reading about your family.
Thanks Trish. I\'m not as much of an introvert as I used to be. When I am in a group of people where I feel confident of my place in the group, I do fine. I have trouble with large groups. Even (or especially) my own family. Even as a child, the more of them that were there and the louder everything got, the more I withdrew, usually in to a book. I didn\'t really try to be invisible in high school. I just was, I think. We moved around-a lot, which didn\'t help any at all. My sibs and their partners are all out going to various degrees. I don\'t even relate well to them. Just always been a loner. I was pissed off with them at my dad\'s funeral so I hung out with my aunts and uncles-lol.
I seldom drink heavily. if I can taste the alcohol, it\'s too strong for me.
Yeah, it\'s hot hot hot here. Allergies are bothering everyone. Going to be that way for a while longer. Seems like the hottest part of summer is hitting us later this year. Started getting really hot later than usual, too. It\'s a good while until the wedding. My therapist and I have been talking about my anxieties about it, so I am hoping we can come up with some more ideas to help get through this. Doesn\'t that sound terrible! A wedding. A really joyful occasion. And mostly all I can think of right now is trying to get through it without a melt down of any kind. Well, that and whether or not I\'m going to buy some turquoise cowboy boots to wear to the wedding. I wore purple ones to my dad\'s funeral! hahaha.
Thanks again. I hope things are going better where you are. did it ever stop raining?
Once an introvert always an introvert. We moved around a lot too which doesn\'t help. I love the idea of the turquoise cowboy boots. Yes, it has finally slowed down on the rain.