9/4/2013
Had a good day. Had a good therapy session. Went to Walmart to get some things. needed to go to sporting goods to get some of those things you put around your neck to keep cool. We have a football game this weekend and getting whatever I can to make the situation bearable weather wise. Walk through sporting goods. Hit the area with camping stuff. suddenly, here come the flashbacks and ghosts, and everything. So, here we go again. Same old thing. Broken record.
I am so damn tired of breaking in to tears in the middle of a store. So tired of the flash backs and the ghosts that pop up out of nowhere without any notice or provocation. So tired of the pain. So tired of ..all of it...And the good part? The really GOOD part? HA! The hard times, the hard months are not here yet!
September, October, November, December, January, and February are the really rough times. Each month harder than the one before. So I a really really looking forward to the next 6 months. Yes, I have some good things planned-including a cruise. I am so ready to out all this behind me. so ready to stoop hurting...
Replies
hang in there it will get better and yes I know that\'s harder than it seems, I don\'t think those memories will ever go away and yes they can come crashing back at anytime especially this time of the year. It does get better and the memories do fade and hurt less. But one thing I thought I would share with you is a truth I discovered about my recent breakup. I thought at first the pain would never end and how I missed my partner. I cried everyday and wondered how this could happen to me. But as time passed the truth that I discovered was that the pain I was feeling, what I was really was grieving over was not my ex-partner (because she was the one betrayed my trust and treated me so badly) but rather the relationship. The feeling of having someone in my life, a need of not being alone. I found a friend (not a FWB) but a true friend with issues of her own and we just started talking. Soon I realized that I didn\'t need all the heartache and depression that I had dealt with for years. I refuse to see her or even talk to her. So my life has got a lot better. I do things that I enjoy (or as much as my budget allows) and like you stated in other comments I don\'t follow the crowd so I might just host the first taco Christmas dinner this year. so chin up, stay away from the ex and keep your eyes focused on the future and live for yourself.
yeah, I was talking to my therapist today. I told her about an epiphany I had. I\'ve been having lots of those. I realized that I am 58 years old (well actually, I KNEW that) and I probably have 20-25 years left. The blink of an eye. I\'ve been alone most of my life. WHY am I wasting the (relatively) short time I have left grieving over him or wanting to find someone else? Sure, I miss the companionship and things like that. the fact that he was one of the few people who ever \"got\" me, but still. for most of my life I didn\'t have that. Even if I did find someone else, I might not have that. When my dad died in January, it was the end of a 3 year ride through hell. I lost almost everyone who was dear to me: family and pets. But after my dad\'s death, I looked around and I saw that I was alone. And it wasn\'t a bad thing. for the first time I was not accountable to or for anyone. it was so empowering. (I may be repeating myself cause THAT was a strong epiphany). But, I consider it a positive thing. In spite of things like today, my life is the best it\'s ever been. No financial issues (knock on wood), really really good friends. It\'s just a very good life right now. I still stumble, but I think it\'s getting easier for the most part. You can\'t wipe out 25 years with a brillo pad.I am staying away from him. One week and counting! You are all such a help to me. Thanks!
Not all of the pain of those months is related to the ex. My mother died in November 2009. My father went in to dementia when she died. A month later (December), I had to have him committed for observation and then put in the Alzheimer ward of a nursing home. December/Christmas holds a great deal of sadness for me for many many reasons. And of course, my dad died January 2013. The end of 3 years of one loss after another. Otherwise known as Mr.Toad\'s Wild Ride Through Hell.