9/2/2013

Doing well. didn't accomplish much over holiday weekend, but didn't expect or plan to. Interesting thought pattern tonight. Was thinking about the months coming up: anniversaries of very very hard days. hate Christmas. have for years. last week I said something to a friend about the dreaded time of year. She said "you are just going to have to get over that". Uh -huh yeah... tonight I was thinking about that and I thought. Why? Why do I have to "get over" dreading those times? In what rule book does it say there comes a time when you shouldn't dread or grieve on the anniversary of the loss of a parent or a best friend or whatever? Because this person or that person says so? What difference does that make? I'm not that person. (Not to mention that at this point in time that person has not yet dealt with the loss of a parent or a best friend, etc). I'm not that person. That person isn't me. We don't think alike. We are not alike. So, who is she , or anyone to tell me that I should or shouldn't dread/grieve on these anniversaries?
Then I got to thinking...I'm 58 years old. I have maybe 20-25 years left. Such a short period of time, really. With such little time left, why should I even care, let alone follow the arbitrary rules that society or anyone sets? Cause guess what? I. Don't. Care. Such empowering words. I don't care.  and I thought about the fact that I have been thinking I would like to meet a nice guy and be in a good relationship, even maybe a shudder...marriage. I realized I've been alone most of my life. Have not felt loved most of my life. why in the hell am I wasting any of the time I have left wanting to be with someone? (Yes, I know I am not at death's door. Not trying to be melodramatic-but think about it)  Odd thoughts. Not good thoughts to have at bedtime because I felt my mood plummet.  I don't know.