9/17/20

The title of this very first journal entry didn't have to be a date- it could have been a title that bears on how I'm feeling right now, hope for the future etc. But time is so important to me right now. I'm in my second month of a general anxiety episode. I normally am very functioning and have panic attacks here and there, but in the past few years, this is the second time I've had an episode so severe, I couldn't eat, sleep, leave the house. I am better now, not in such a dark place anymore, as I upped my antidepressant and added a Benzo to help me function. I wouldn't be able to leave the house now without the Benzo. It allows me to stop the negative thoughts swirling. Anyways, I was trying to start a slow taper off of the Benzo after being on it only a month, but the anxiety was too much. So i'm holding here and I don't feel bad or ashamed about it. I need to do what is best for my body and mind. Back to time... the most important thing I've learned during these episodes is that they END. Sometimes I lose sight of that on a really bad day or when the anxiety feels too overwhelming and then the depression creeps in. It's hard to remember that everything passes, everything is impermanent, nothing stays the same. I know this will pass and I will feel better. I know the best thing I can do for myself in the meantime is positive self talk, meditation and affirmations. Fear cannot kill me. Fear cannot take away the fact that I love life usually and that I know I will be back to feeling "myself" soon. Obviously this fear and depression is coming to a head, and maybe needs to. Maybe I need to treat it theraputically (with therapist, which I am doing), and I need to keep on the practice of meditation. So, tonight, I'm going to try to have a positive outlook. Even if I forget at times that this will end, and that nothing bad is going to happen, I have to keep that voice going inside- time heals everything.