I am back
So much has happened since I last posted in my journal. I am not the type of person who likes to open up to others with my real feelings. I pretend that everything is fine, always smiling and cheering other people on, while I am suffering inside. I guess that's why it took me a while to come back here.
My abusive mother had a stroke a little over a year ago. It was very difficult to deal with everything that resulted from the stroke. Emotionally and physically draining. She spent a month in the hospital and two months of rehabilitation. She is paralyzed on the left side of her body and will probably never walk again. My brother and I had to place her in a long term care facility as she needs constant care and cannot attend to her needs. She has to wear diapers and her cognitive abilities have diminished.
Guess who is taking care of her and her personal matters? The daughter that she so cruelly abused for so long. It seemed natural to help out in the beginning, but now I find it harder to keep in touch and visit regularly. I don't want to let her ruin more of my life. She did enough damage. I don't want to be sacrificing my life for someone who hurt me so badly that it brought me to the brink of suicide. But the guilt is had to deal with. I am trying to love myself and put myself first, but it's really tough.
At least she is not as verbally abusive as she used to be towards me. So that alone has given me the space to heal and flourish, learning to love myself. However I did not forget the past. I go see her with a heavy heart, though I know it's necessary to visit her and let her know that she is not alone in this new life. I feel so tense during the visit. I am trying to make sense of these contracting feelings.
My abusive mother had a stroke a little over a year ago. It was very difficult to deal with everything that resulted from the stroke. Emotionally and physically draining. She spent a month in the hospital and two months of rehabilitation. She is paralyzed on the left side of her body and will probably never walk again. My brother and I had to place her in a long term care facility as she needs constant care and cannot attend to her needs. She has to wear diapers and her cognitive abilities have diminished.
Guess who is taking care of her and her personal matters? The daughter that she so cruelly abused for so long. It seemed natural to help out in the beginning, but now I find it harder to keep in touch and visit regularly. I don't want to let her ruin more of my life. She did enough damage. I don't want to be sacrificing my life for someone who hurt me so badly that it brought me to the brink of suicide. But the guilt is had to deal with. I am trying to love myself and put myself first, but it's really tough.
At least she is not as verbally abusive as she used to be towards me. So that alone has given me the space to heal and flourish, learning to love myself. However I did not forget the past. I go see her with a heavy heart, though I know it's necessary to visit her and let her know that she is not alone in this new life. I feel so tense during the visit. I am trying to make sense of these contracting feelings.
Replies
HELLO GOOD TO SEE YOU DOING SO WELL, I CAN FEEL HOW STRONG YOU ARE NOW, THE REAL YOU,DESERVING OF LOVE AND RESPECT.
WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS REMARKBLE, NOT MANY WOULD DO IT, SHE DESERVES THE SUFFERING, I KNOW POPLE JUST LIKE HER AND IN THE END THEY ARE CRIPPLED BY THEIR OWN WICKDNESS, YOU ARE DOING IT BECAUSE YOU ARE GOOD AND LOVING, AND YES IT MUST HURT TO CARE FOR HER, BUT IN THE END IT WILL BE A BLESSING, JUST BE SIMPLE AND DON\'T LET IT AFFECT YOU, YOUR FEELINGS ARE NORMAL, THIS WOMAN HURT YOU AND ABUSED YOU, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO LOVE OUR ABUSERS ,WE CAN ONLY BE MERCIFUL TO THEM, HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER AND THE HEAVENESS LEAVES YOUR HEART, WISH YOU PEACE AND JOY, LOVE LUCY***
Wow, your message has touched me. Thank you for your kind words. I have suffered a lot and still suffer from this woman. Not many people want to recognise it in my family, or wish to admit that they recognise it. They\'d rather turn a blind eye, pretend like nothing. It feels so good getting acknowledged.