Saturday Morning

First, if anyone was exposed to a "snippet" of a journal entry yesterday. I apologize. For some reason, A very long feeling sorry for myself and "wishing" other ways my life would have turned out private entry also published a small segment publicly. Talk about weird and embarrassing. I was very agitated when I discovered it, as anyone would be. It was a private entry. I sounded like a crazy person or worse. So again, my apologies.
I am practicing what my therapist told me. Let me explain what he told me first. He said that I am very near to having an empty nest, that I obviously have no family even remotely nearby even though I am all family oriented and what was I going to do to have a life with the rest of my life considering I was far too young to retire and not in a position to leave my job. He also mentioned that I am clearly an introvert, and shy to boot. So he said to me, "Suzie, what are you going to do to get out of your comfort zone to make sure you have some kind of life to live?"
That is a excellent question. It is part of the reason that I am grieving so hard. It is not just the end of my marriage, the family life I had, the loss of my stbx to another woman, etc. It is me knowing I have no one nearby, and the friends I have all lead very different (married) lives from me. My friends have not abandoned me, but it's just so different now. I literally could be alone every night of my life until I die if I don't do something about it. (Okay. I can spend holidays with my brother up in NH. But every night that isn't a holiday could literally be spent alone.)
There are no divorce care or divorce support groups nearby. I can't do the meet up groups. They all meet in Philly which is to far to drive. And it's too scary to be that far out of my element AND have to walk into a group of strangers. 
I have looked into everything and I have done everything I can to get on the road to healing. I know my stbx thought I was going to lie down and die when he left me. (Maybe I thought so too.) I certainly had moments when I didn't think I was going to be able to pull myself together and get out of bed. It's not like I had any warning he was going to leave me. We had no fights, we were still having date nights, and I went into a state of shock when I found out how deep his betrayal went.
But in reality, even though the stupid ass doesn't realize it, I was the strong one in our relationship. He just did things like get our taxes done and go get the car serviced and drove when we were going on a trip. I went to work every day no matter what, faced all the people in our community who knew we had gone bankrupt and had our home foreclosed, and still always had the health insurance and steady paycheck. The few years that he did well financially really didn't make him the legend he is in his own mind.
Truthfully, I also built his false image as a great dad with our kids. He was a screamer and tantrum taker and completely irrational human being half the time. He was selfish to the point of being nauseating. I spun a really good fairy tale for my kids. My therapist says I did it to make a stable childhood for them. I believe that's true. But I digress.
So what am I going to do? And let's face it. This isn't going to be something easy to fix. This isn't calling a therapist and making an appointment or calling my church to talk to my priest who then has my deacon talk to me or even finding a Stephen Ministry nearby who set me up with a person to help me through this.
This is as hard as battling out the finances with the stbx and trying to make sure my kids come through this okay. This is as hard as the grieving and healing process itself, and I fear it will take even longer. Because I have to rewrite my life. 
What is Suzie going to do to make sure she has a life? 
This is where I want to stop and say that I have complete and utter admiration for my sister-in-law. She has a life. It is completely unconnected to my brother or her children. (I think partly because they are in her hometown. It gives her a little bit of an advantage.) But she has a full life outside of her husband, her kids, or her work. She has a life outside of her dad and sister.  She has a million hobbies. She is involved in her community. She just has this sense of self that is phenomenal and I wish I could bottle it. 
Again, I digress. Because I am not Dori. I'm just me. 
Right after I saw my therapist on Thursday, an old friend called. He used to teach with me and he had heard about my troubles. He was always so good to me at work, almost like a mentor, and he took the time to call and check on me. I thought that was so great. So I asked him if wanted to get together next week. That is so outside of my comfort zone. So we're going to hang out somewhere this coming week. He is probably one of the only unmarried people I know come to think of it. And he's retired, so he has the time.
I called a woman that I know who mentioned she needs to get out of the house a bit on the weekends, because her mom is now living with her and the mom has dementia. We went to supper last night, and we're going to go shopping either next weekend or the one after. Again, so far outside my comfort zone. But since she also has troubles, I didn't feel as much like I was imposing.
And a work friend invited me to a Super Bowl party. (I didn't even realize it was that time of year or who was playing.) But I said yes. I get the Sunday night blues. I like to be home on a Sunday night relaxing. Instead I am going to a party and I am going to have fun. Or I am going to try to have fun.
This is exhausting. Utterly exhausting. I am an introvert. I am shy. These kinds of things make me want to hurl. I like hanging with my family and finding historical sites to visit or just feeding them and talking. How am I ever going to keep this up so that I have a life when my kids leave? 
The next thing I have to find is a volunteer activity. I am not really volunteer oriented. I don't know why. I think of myself as a fairly decent person, but I have never been the volunteer type. I don't even know where to start. (Well I looked online, but I didn't see anything that seemed like it was me.) Plus quite frankly, I am so tired. I still can't sleep. I am still riding the roller coaster of emotions where one minute I am sobbing and the next moment I feel rage, and then I'm scared, and so on. I am still reeling from my stbx's betrayal. Like physically sometimes I feel like my heart could stop or I can't breathe.
I wish I could move back home to be near my mom and older brother or up to NH to be near my other brother and sister-in-law. But I can't. 
And I guess this is where I end the pity party for me. Thanks for reading it.