Thinking
I took Kate to see Dr. Davenport. She needed to talk to someone, and I know she doesn't want to make me feel worse. We both start to cry. She can't understand how her 16 year old brother can just seem to accept it. He isn't. He is taking it out in the gym and in phys ed class and in other physical ways. Plus I know that he can't concentrate in school. But he is a male, and as sweet as he is, he can compartmentalize. She and I can't seem to do that. It just floods us.
Here dad started to text her last night almost as soon as we got home from the therapist. It's like he knew, but we hadn't told him. He told her that she is responsible for the way that she handles this, because he isn't coming back. After a good session with the therapist, it was like he blew up all the progress she had made.
As for me, I thought about trying to set a daily time limit on allowing myself to feel grief the way it was suggested. I don't know though. Usually the way I feel sneaks up on me. I am not sure I could block it for a later "more reasonable" time or even if I let myself feel it, how would I be able to time it?
I have an appointment with the therapist this week too. I don't feel I have made any progress. Sometimes I feel the panic attacks are worse than before. I didn't want to be numb anymore, but maybe it was a little better.
Anger and Acceptance. Those are my two most difficult to deal with. After Kate's therapy last night, I was furious with my husband to have made her hurt like that. I get furious with him when I know my son is in pain. But for me? I cant get angry. I wasn't allowed to get angry ever. And I never once found that if I did occasionally let loose, anything changed and it made me feel stupid and small. My opinions weren't important. I guess I was important. And it's hard to get angry about something if you're not important enough in the first place.
Yet everyone tells me I must get to the angry part. Where I say, "I am a person. I was good to you and stood by you for 25 years and now I am just nothing to you. and that's wrong. You are an idiot, and a jerk, and an asshole." But I keep coming back to words like nothing and unimportant.
Acceptance. I also am having trouble with this one. Some days I think I understand and can glimpse the future and know the changes that will exist and that eventually I will be fine. I think I can understand that there will be a day when I don't think about it all the time, or maybe not even at all, or maybe days and days at a time. But some days, there is no future visible, I just can't see how I am supposed to go on and on and be alone, but still be fulfilled and happy. I am a person happiest when surrounded by family. My kids are nearly grown. They will be gone soon. I have no family, other than them, in this area or even close-by. I must work for many more years. And I must work here because I can't give up my many years and pension. And when I feel like that, then I can't find acceptance in what happened.
I pray. I pray every day for strength. I pray for my children and my family. I pray for all the kind people who have helped me thus far. I am trying very hard to help myself. I see my deacon, I go to church, I get out of bed and go to work, I have a therapist, and I have a Stephen Minister who elps me cope when I am overwhelmed. But I still can't eat. I still can't sleep. I still feel stunned most of the time that this is what my life and my children's lives have been reduced to all on the selfishness of someone who claimed to love us..
Here dad started to text her last night almost as soon as we got home from the therapist. It's like he knew, but we hadn't told him. He told her that she is responsible for the way that she handles this, because he isn't coming back. After a good session with the therapist, it was like he blew up all the progress she had made.
As for me, I thought about trying to set a daily time limit on allowing myself to feel grief the way it was suggested. I don't know though. Usually the way I feel sneaks up on me. I am not sure I could block it for a later "more reasonable" time or even if I let myself feel it, how would I be able to time it?
I have an appointment with the therapist this week too. I don't feel I have made any progress. Sometimes I feel the panic attacks are worse than before. I didn't want to be numb anymore, but maybe it was a little better.
Anger and Acceptance. Those are my two most difficult to deal with. After Kate's therapy last night, I was furious with my husband to have made her hurt like that. I get furious with him when I know my son is in pain. But for me? I cant get angry. I wasn't allowed to get angry ever. And I never once found that if I did occasionally let loose, anything changed and it made me feel stupid and small. My opinions weren't important. I guess I was important. And it's hard to get angry about something if you're not important enough in the first place.
Yet everyone tells me I must get to the angry part. Where I say, "I am a person. I was good to you and stood by you for 25 years and now I am just nothing to you. and that's wrong. You are an idiot, and a jerk, and an asshole." But I keep coming back to words like nothing and unimportant.
Acceptance. I also am having trouble with this one. Some days I think I understand and can glimpse the future and know the changes that will exist and that eventually I will be fine. I think I can understand that there will be a day when I don't think about it all the time, or maybe not even at all, or maybe days and days at a time. But some days, there is no future visible, I just can't see how I am supposed to go on and on and be alone, but still be fulfilled and happy. I am a person happiest when surrounded by family. My kids are nearly grown. They will be gone soon. I have no family, other than them, in this area or even close-by. I must work for many more years. And I must work here because I can't give up my many years and pension. And when I feel like that, then I can't find acceptance in what happened.
I pray. I pray every day for strength. I pray for my children and my family. I pray for all the kind people who have helped me thus far. I am trying very hard to help myself. I see my deacon, I go to church, I get out of bed and go to work, I have a therapist, and I have a Stephen Minister who elps me cope when I am overwhelmed. But I still can't eat. I still can't sleep. I still feel stunned most of the time that this is what my life and my children's lives have been reduced to all on the selfishness of someone who claimed to love us..
Replies
Keep praying. When thoughts of him come (and they will non stop for awhile) try and think about something else immediately. Here are a couple of things I did in the beginning. Actually it wouldn\'t hurt me to keep doing them now as I still tend to allow him into my head which isn\'t healthy for me.
As soon as a thought of him entered my head, I would immediately look around and name the colors that I saw, if you\'re alone you should say them out loud. Another tidbit I learned here on DS was when he popped into my head, I closed my eyes and named 3 things I could hear. Also, when the good things about him popped into my head, I would say or think of one of the bad things he did. Usually something good always had something bad as the opposite, hope that made sense.
Anyhoo, I\'m glad you\'re seeking counseling, it truly helps and hopefully will give you some tools on how to move on and how to deal with all of this as well as help your children. We are mothers, so we stay strong for our children. I did most of my melt downs while driving to and from work and when I woke up first thing and then again at night. There is no way to get around the emotions and the pain, in order to heal you must allow them to come and experience them. I promise you the fog will left and one day you\'ll realize that you aren\'t quite consumed with this as you are right now and one day you\'ll even smile and laugh again and if desired, you will find love again~
Sending you hugs and keep praying!!!!! God will get you through this challenging and heart breaking time. Just know that we are here for you too! I wouldn\'t have made it w/out my friends on DS, they literally got me through my abandonment and now divorce.
ps: I am not an angry person for the most part so I never felt the need to get angry or hate my ex. I know he has issues and I feel sorry for him, I feel sad for him but I can\'t help anymore, he refused it and it\'s up to him to find his way, unfortunately with out me. So getting mad at your STBX and what he did is a very personal decision and only you know if that is a road you want or need to take.....just saying, anger and hate is not always necessary :)
hugs~
Your daughter should have said to him, that\'s fine with us Dad because we don\'t want you back. LOL All joking aside, it is very hard for everyone involved and it\'s going to take time. That\'s really all that works. Do what you need to to get through this divorce, and time.....to heal Sending lots of hugs.
Honey, there is not much you can do with that clown. It is so hard for children to accept the break up of their family. You have to look after yourself. Now go after him for everything you can and more. He is going to regret what he is doing. No matter what he says now, it will bite him hard. When you see him, just smile, heads up and walk away. It will bother him more than anything you can say. Hugs and prayers
Don\'t try to rush acceptance. While it is important to reach acceptance, it doesn\'t mean you have to get there today--it\'s a process.
If you are having trouble sleeping, it might have to get some Meds from your doctor. I found Xanax was helpful--calmed me so I could get some rest. The stress of this can really take its toll on you physically, so do talk to your doctor to help with this.
Sending hugs! You really are doing all the right things--just be gentle with yourself right now.
Be gentle & kind to yourself. One day at a time. Unfortunately it takes as long as it takes. The time is different for everyone, so allow yourself whatever time you need. Please know I could have written your words, you are not alone. Your last sentence sums it all up...all on the selfishness of someone who claimed to love us. Though I am still healing, & far from knowing where/when my life will level out, I can see some things that have improved by now being divorced. Sending hugs!
Yougospam thanks for the tricks to clear the thoughts. I will try these.
Well, us Mom\'s are like triage nurses trying to go around fixing everyone and ensuring their happiness. I got news for you....it\'s impossible to make everyone happy and sometimes talking to the kids or doing things to compensate for the situation really just makes it worse. Things happen in life. People get cancer or lose a job, get fired and even get divorced. You cannot protect them from everything. Use the situation to teach them something. Our situations do not define us.
Are you co-dependant? You sound like you may be a little...most Mom\'s are and it\'s not necessarily a bad thing. However, if you are...you may want to check yourself for extremes so you can be more aware of why you do what you do. (((HUGS)))