Sunday
I have always gotten the Sunday night blues. Even as a kid, I would feel very melancholy on a Sunday night. Today, my Sunday Night Blues started about 12 PM. A little early to feel so morose all day. I was feeling OK. I went to church and grocery shopped. I was home by about 11:45. I knew D was coming to pick up my son to take him to a movie. I hate it when he goes, but my son adores his father, and since I'm worried about his dad eventually abandoning the kids because they don't fit into his new life, I don't say much to him. My daughter is still not ready to see him too often. She did not join them. But she wasn't around when I got home either. So I lugged in the groceries, and I just felt overwhelmed. Every responsibility has fallen to me, and although I always did the grocery shopping and hauled it all in, It was the trigger. I suddenly was overwhelmed with melancholy and despair. I tried calling people to just keep myself busy, but no one was home. And I just started to torture myself with memories from the past and how nothing was ever going to be the same again.
Everyone keeps telling me that God has a plan for me. I don't feel that. I don't feel God's hand in my children's pain or my pain. I'm not saying I'm not praying, because I am, but I also know that praying isn't magic. He's not coming back. This divorce will move forward. I will have to endure all of the ugliness of it. It will change the future I envisioned. I can't stop it from happening. I can't stop my children from hurting. I can't seem to stop me from hurting. I felt weak and helpless and very afraid. And I feel as if I can't possibly cry anymore tears. And yet they continue to fall. I want to crawl into bed and never come out. I want to ask a stranger to please come hold me tight because I am going to fall apart.I can't sleep. I can't eat. And I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be alone for even a minute, but I have to hide from my kids or they'll see this, and I have to be the strong one because I am the only real parent they've got.
I feel tainted by all of this, and yet I am not the one who was unfaithful. I am not the one who destroyed our family. But the taint and the shame and the humiliation just cover me. Sometimes I think I can't even put one foot in front of the other. And I want to be angry because being angry has to feel better than this, but all i feel is sad.
I know people get through this. I know people say it takes time. I know there are people who are worse off. But oh God. I hurt and hurt and hurt. I'm lonely and sad and frightened and heartsick.
Everyone keeps telling me that God has a plan for me. I don't feel that. I don't feel God's hand in my children's pain or my pain. I'm not saying I'm not praying, because I am, but I also know that praying isn't magic. He's not coming back. This divorce will move forward. I will have to endure all of the ugliness of it. It will change the future I envisioned. I can't stop it from happening. I can't stop my children from hurting. I can't seem to stop me from hurting. I felt weak and helpless and very afraid. And I feel as if I can't possibly cry anymore tears. And yet they continue to fall. I want to crawl into bed and never come out. I want to ask a stranger to please come hold me tight because I am going to fall apart.I can't sleep. I can't eat. And I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be alone for even a minute, but I have to hide from my kids or they'll see this, and I have to be the strong one because I am the only real parent they've got.
I feel tainted by all of this, and yet I am not the one who was unfaithful. I am not the one who destroyed our family. But the taint and the shame and the humiliation just cover me. Sometimes I think I can't even put one foot in front of the other. And I want to be angry because being angry has to feel better than this, but all i feel is sad.
I know people get through this. I know people say it takes time. I know there are people who are worse off. But oh God. I hurt and hurt and hurt. I'm lonely and sad and frightened and heartsick.
Replies
Oh honey, I can so identify with everything you are feeling! I also fell victim to the Sunday Night Blues during the 18 Months of Hell it took to divorce the lying, cheating coward. And while D-Day happened almost 10 years ago (can that be real?) I still recall the feeling of absolute loneliness and despair. I had this notion that everybody in the world had someone to spend Sundays with except me. Stupid stinkin\' thinkin\' but that\'s just the way it was. I would talk more to my Heavenly Father on Sunday evenings that most of the week and always managed to find some comfort in that.
I know it\'s tiring to hear it when you just want it to be behind you, but it is a process. It takes time, distance and little or no contact with the stbx for healing to begin. You are in the early states still. Be gentle with yourself. We\'re here to hold you up when you feel low.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers this evening. Big hugs to you across the miles. xoxo
Yes it\'s a process unfortunately ...I know it sucks bad but it WILL get better. Keep telling yourself that. After 10 months I still have up and down days but I used to be completely broken and completely down on the weekends too. Slowly you find yourself not consumed 24/7 thinking about your ex.
Take care of yourself
Coop
I, too , can understand your pain, only too well. I still feel it and it has been about 5 months since I have seen or heard from my stbx (I can say that now since I have officially filed for divorce!).
It was only last week that I actually said out loud \"He is not coming back\". I still struggle with this realization and also long for companionship. I am often overwhelmed with the household upkeep (I even have to haul 40 lb bags of pellets from my basement to help heat the house-it is very old and drafty). I had to install a new thermostat, clean said pellet stove on a regular basis, bring out garbage, shovel the snow (with a bad back), everything that he used to do.I even have to hold a second job cleaning at night and on weekends . We used to \"share\" it. And I wonder if he is feeling guilty (or anything at all, wherever he is) knowing that all of these chores are on me. He knows I am capable because I had to do it all when he was in the hospital for months. I also think about when I nursed him back to health, wheeled him around in a wheelchair endlessly, took him to Boston for appointments, etc. I saw an old friend today who had heard about this and could not believe it. We had known each other since high school, and she just said he must have had a mental break of some sort. That is what everyone is saying, but he was clear in saying he was starting over.
I am 55 years old. My entire life since I was 17 has centered around R. I do not feel lovable any longer; I feel like used up, thrown away garbage.
I don\'t have the Sunday blues because I know work will keep me busy. But I understand your plight completely.
I do have to say that I am not anywhere near as bad as I was in the first 2 or 3 months, but I still fall into that hole. And I cannot, cannot stop the movie of our past which plays over and over in my head. This is my biggest problem.
I hope you will find some peace with your students tomorrow, as you did last week. Keep your chin up, honey.
MB
It sounds silly but only do what you can handle. If hauling all the groceries at once is too much, only take in what will spoil (milk, eggs, etc). After you put that away, go get another load, etc. Take it one bag at a time.
If that still seems like too much, bring in one bag at a time. Put everything away, then go for another.
When my ex first left, it was all I could do to just put one foot in front of the other. At first, every day seemed bad, but I had to tell myself that \"If I am okay, my kids will be okay...\" and I believe that you can \"fake it until you make it...\", so I would put on a happy face, move slowly and put one foot in front of the other. Some days I could tell myself \"time to clean the kitchen\" and I\'d be able to do it without a problem, but other times I had to concentrate on one dish at a time. \"Take this dish to the sink...\" and once I completed that, I\'d ask myself \"what\'s next?\" and eventually the kitchen would be in better order.
Some days, when both of my kids were gone for their weekends with him, I\'d consider my day complete if I just got out of bed and made it to the couch for a few hours. On worse days I\'d just take it one breath at a time, \"Breathe in, breathe out...\"
It\'s about granularity. I break whatever I have to do down into the smallest parts until I no longer feel overwhelmed. Until the task or day before me no longer feels like a hovering beast that is ready to gobble me up. Eventually, I wasn\'t so miserable. Initially most days were bad, then some days were bad, then more days were good than bad until finally, I have a bad day every now and then.
I\'m so sorry that you\'re having to shoulder so much but I know you can be strong for your kids, but still allow yourself enough room to heal, even if it is only a little bit at a time.
Always remember to breathe.
I am so sorry that you are in this part of the process because it is awful. TxCowgirl is right. The progression goes from almost all bad days to almost all good days. I was a principal during my divorce and now I am a university professor. My schools and my Church have always been my safe haven, my family, my rock. I think you might want to start being proactive about planning those weekends. I kept mind very busy purposefully. I didn\'t allow myself much time to think, to obsess, to dwell on what I couldn\'t change. I agree that staying as strong as you can for your kids is a great way to stay in motion, moving forward. Hugs and prayers for you!
Diane
Keep your head up, don\'t give up on God. I believe all things happen for a reason, I always have and always will. Even through my darkest days I have relied on God and when I was able to finally give my life and trials over to him I felt the peace I so desperately needed. This has been a hard journey for all of us, I\'ve felt exactly what you feel many times. I am a lot further on this journey then you are so I just want to let you know that it does get better, I was skeptical in the beginning too. Although this is not the life I envisioned for myself when I married my husband, it is what it is. I found I couldn\'t make him love me, I couldn\'t make him stay with me, I couldn\'t stop him from divorcing me. He chose to leave and it has taken me months to let him go and for the most part I have. I still struggle, I didn\'t want another divorce, I wanted to be married, but I survived and you will too.
As far as your children, take the higher road and be the bigger person, let them have a relationship with their dad if they choose. Try and never bash him in front of them (you can do it here if you need to, ha ha) and always give them a safe, loving home to come back to. Goodness pays off in the long run, I promise!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My heart breaks for you, I know how you feel. Be gentle with yourself, take baby steps towards all of the hard decisions coming and remember that many of us have been through this and we are here for you. Hugs
Damn it!!! I know what you mean, and it\'s not fair!!! Tonight, even after being separated(now divorced) since April of 2013, I still get pissed off and resentful and overwhelmed about everything being my responsibility. Tonight I got home in my work clothes (skirt) and had to haul out the garbage, then chip and chunk away at the ice in the driveway before I could even get in the door. I remember when I had a husband to help. He would have made dinner, but nope, now the house is empty and dark and quiet when I get home. I\'m sorry sweetie. It\'s not always like this, but sometimes it just plain sucks!!!
We all remember this I am sure. And I still get the blues. Sunday was out day to hang out, eat a good brunch (I always cooked), watch TV and read the paper together. My days don\'t look like that anymore.
They are different now but oh BOY how I get resentful. The groceries, buying all the lunch stuff and making kiddo lunches (she\'s old enough to do it for herself though lol). I did ALL of this while I was married as well, however, the fact that he just WALKED away is what kills me. No responsibility. No Cares, No Worries.
The time that it gets me down is much shorter now than it used to be but it still hits me. HUGS!